I’m sometimes reminded that there are, in my eyes, some amazing things about this journey. Most of them are probably taken for granted by rational people, as in they get to experience this every day but probably do not know what it’s like to have lost control of any sort of “normal”. For me, it’s very small things like waking up in the morning and not feeling both terribly ill and a deep sense of fear of “what am I forgetting that I said or did from last night?” For me waking up and knowing that I have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide and feeling pretty good physically is a minor miracle. I love it. The other blessing is that I no longer feel the obsession in my mind to ensure that I have booze at home, hidden way, waiting for me to get there and hide out in the basement and get drunk. I now have the ability to be present in the moment of whatever Mare and I are doing. And it doesn’t have to be anything major, even just going out for dinner or shopping. I used to be entirely consumed with those thoughts.
I met with my sponsor on Sunday evening and it was pretty nice. I have been wondering when he was going to ask me to sit down and start going over step work. This thought has been going on for months. It finally occurred to me that perhaps he is waiting for me to ask. I’ve heard him say that he isn’t going to work harder on my sobriety than I am. So perhaps the initiative needs to be taken by me? I finally asked him to come out for coffee and we had a nice chat. I am going to carve out more time to do that. I should look at setting that up once a week or so.
I always journal at night and I was intending to journal on this platform every day. It’s pretty difficult to do. I don’t know if it’s lack of motivation or laziness or maybe a fear of living in my own head and putting those thoughts out into the world. It’s not something I’ve ever been comfortable doing. I suppose that like most things practice makes perfect. So I will keep plugging away at it.
This is my life and it’s pretty good.