So father’s day just passed by and I have so many mixed emotions about that day. Not this particular one, but the day in general.
Most people have a good relationship with their parents and look forward to doing things with them. I’m not in that crowd at all. I can go long stretches of time without talking to my parents and it doesn’t bother me in the least. I have a complicated relationship with them. It’s not that I don’t love them, I mean they are my parents. But my father and I have never really had an in-depth conversation in my entire life. I’ve got little to no knowledge of that side of my family. My mother is the other end of the spectrum, she would talk and talk and talk until I’m just completely overwhelmed with the need to get away or hang up the phone. This always leaves me confused with what I am “supposed” to do on a day like this. the social convention dictates that I am supposed to get a gift and a card or something to that effect. I spent probably half an hour searching through different cards because each one expressed sentiments such as “love you Dad” or “your the best Dad in the world”. That’s just not something I would necessarily say, because I don’t know that I am comfortable expressing that. This is just a portion of the struggle with my father. I have yet to make up my mind if I am going to share everything with my past on this blog. But the short version is that I had a lot of problems with my father, he has a long history of fucking things up in a profound way and at the worst times.
I have come the realization that I am unable to identify my feelings and therefore have a very difficult time expressing them. It’s weird to me that I feel this way. It’s also only through all this constant sifting through my defects of character that I am discovering this.