feelings…

Fuck feelings.  At least that’s how I’ve felt for a long long time.  As I’ve been diving head first into my life again I am being forced to confront how I feel about things.  As an ACOA this has never been my strong suit.  I have a really hard time describing how I feel, or even identifying my own emotions.  They usually just feel like a big knot in the pit of my stomach that makes me feel like I’m going to throw up or that the world is coming to an end around me.  One of my weaknesses is not allowing other people to affect my mood and anxiety levels.  I used to think this was one of my strengths, “look how empathetic I am!” but I have driven myself crazy by reading too much into how someone is feeling.  If someone is feeling down I feel like it’s my job to “save” them.  I need to be ready to help or do something to improve their mood.  This is especially true of my wife, whom I’ve known since grade 5.  We have been together for almost 20 years and I am no better now at letting her just feel her own feelings and just being okay with what they are.  I have no control over her or her feelings.  It’s taken me a very long time to be able to at least recognize that.

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