I have been feeling very off all day. in that zone where I am not quite depressed but not happy either. I just feel very off. Almost all day I have been feeling like I had a beef with somebody. This morning I tried to talk to my wife about it but she blew me off. She decided that going to mall and having some alone time was more important. I should maybe realise that she didn’t understand how I was feeling or that I was trying to reach out. But a part of me knows that she is still very angry with me and I have many amends to make with her. I sometimes think that she sees me struggling and just doesn’t give a shit. That’s when the demons in my head start to wake up and say hello. They want me to be in this zone, they want me to get angry and go and do something stupid.
I haven’t rally said much to M today. I have been nursing that resentment all day. I am probably going to talk to Keith about it a little bit after the meeting. I would like to know what sit says about me that I went got some gluten free cookies to bake for her even though I was upset with her.
This being a long weekend has me remembering that I would spend alot of time hiding out in my basement with a signi significant amount of booze and very little sleep. I would have been watching a bunch of television and letting things around the house just go undone. I was mowing the lawns this afternoon and it reminded me of how I would forget until the grass was really long and then by the end of the chore I’d be wiped out. Physically my health is a thousand time better than last summer. I can’t even believe how far I’ve come. I have spent the majority of the weekend out doors and doing things.