anger

I haven’t been on here to do any writing in a very long time.  I feel like I’ve said that before!?  I have started a new job and it has been extremely difficult to maintain any sort of routine.  I used to have my day planned well in advance and it was really working for me.  Lately however, I have can’t predict how my day is going to go.  There are many days I don’t even get a chance to eat lunch, never mind do anything focused on my recovery.  Now this isn’t me saying that I have the overwhelming urge to go out and get drunk, but it’s the thought has certainly crossed my mind.  I really have to get focused on making my recovery contact every single day.  No excuses, this is life and death for me.   I will never be able to live life on life’s terms if I can’t keep my recovery in the forefront of all of my efforts.  I can’t rely on yesterday’s recovery to keep me sober and happy today.

I have this friend that I speak to almost every day, and I haven’t been 100% honest with her about myself.  We have bonded over the in and outs of each others lives, and how we both suffer from the mental affliction of an anxiety disorder.  I’ve never fully revealed to her about me being in recovery from my addiction.  She is aware that I don’t drink and has asked me about it a few times, but I have never told her the truth about it.  I have an amends to make there.  I think I feel the need to be honest with her and share my experience is because she has opened up to me about a few things and it pains me to think that I haven’t been the same.  I have only shared bits and pieces of my story.

I’m alone this week and for the most part I’ve been OK, but this evening has been a bit of a struggle.  I am feeling very restless, irritable and discontent.  Which is dangerous for me.  I found myself a few moments ago looking at one of my old hiding spots to see if I had left a bottle there.  I would like to believe that my spiritual program is enough to keep  me from taking that drink.  But I am angered that I even entertained the idea.

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