stuck

I’m feeling very stuck today.  I have this shit running through my mind a lot lately.  I have some serious decisions to make that have been a long time coming.  I have spent the majority of my recovery trying to live in the present instead of letting the future drive me insane.  I feel like there is something to be said about prudent planning but why do I go crazy when I attempt it on my own.  Because I am fucking scared!!!!  The metaphor that I would use to describe this is:  When I am content and happy it’s like I’m listening to beautiful music.  When I start to get too into my own shit or life is coming at me a million miles an hour, it’s like listening to the worst insanely loud static.  Like having my head next to a loud speaker and someone kicks the volume up to max.  It hurts and makes me want to do almost anything to quiet the noise.  Drinking used to do this for me.  I could have a few drinks and suddenly the world just became a little bit more mellow.  Like I could tolerate the shitty neighbours music….

Well now I’m at a loss.  I know what I am supposed to be doing in this situation.  I should be meditating or reflecting on program.  I should be talking to people about it, I should be going to a meeting and getting this shit out.  It’s hard to live life on life’s terms.  I was going to try to get out to a meeting but I got home and domesticated life dragged me into the stuff that get’s done around here.  So for now I will write some of my feelings and I will reflect on my day.  I will have to get out of my own way and let life follow it’s course.  I will do the things that give me a small amount of peace and I will be grateful that I am not sitting here trying to find my way into oblivion….

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