I’m mired in a depressive state the last couple of days.  I don’t recall ever feeling like this before.  I feel like because I’ve spent so much looking at myself and all my character defects that I am better able to recognize this.  It is so hard to describe this wave that I am currently riding.  I mean I wish I wasn’t on it, I wish I didn’t have to try to put it into words.  I wish it would just fuck right off.  But sadly this is my lot.  This is what I must try to live with.  If someone asks me if I am OK, the short answer is “Yeah I’m OK”.  What I want to answer and don’t is “No, I’m dying inside.”  There is something in my head screaming at me and I just want it to shut up.  I go through a million scenarios in my head over and over and over and over……..I want to be someone else.  I wan to be somewhere else.  I want to have a different life.  I want to feel normal. All these scenarios drag me out of the present and into the “what if” zone.  I have always had a hard time recognizing and defining my emotions but this just feels bad.  I know that much.  I know that this too shall pass, I don’t need to be ecstatically happy all the time.  I just want to be content, that would be enough.

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