I’m mired in a depressive state the last couple of days. I don’t recall ever feeling like this before. I feel like because I’ve spent so much looking at myself and all my character defects that I am better able to recognize this. It is so hard to describe this wave that I am currently riding. I mean I wish I wasn’t on it, I wish I didn’t have to try to put it into words. I wish it would just fuck right off. But sadly this is my lot. This is what I must try to live with. If someone asks me if I am OK, the short answer is “Yeah I’m OK”. What I want to answer and don’t is “No, I’m dying inside.” There is something in my head screaming at me and I just want it to shut up. I go through a million scenarios in my head over and over and over and over……..I want to be someone else. I wan to be somewhere else. I want to have a different life. I want to feel normal. All these scenarios drag me out of the present and into the “what if” zone. I have always had a hard time recognizing and defining my emotions but this just feels bad. I know that much. I know that this too shall pass, I don’t need to be ecstatically happy all the time. I just want to be content, that would be enough.