alone

I’m not in a great place at the moment.  I am lonely.  I left for a conference that deals the business side of my program and to learn a bit about the Bridging the Gap program and Corrections.  I left early on Friday and was gone all weekend.  As I was getting ready to leave my wife says to me “well drive safe, see you on Sunday or something”.  No sign what so ever that she even cared that I was going to be gone.  I don’t know if I’m reading too much into it, but it hurt.  It made me feel like I didn’t matter any more.  Like I just stay here, this is no longer my home.  She didn’t reach out to me at all the whole time.  Usually when she goes away I try to get the hotel number to give her a call to find out how her day went.  I got nothing.  I was surrounded by 400 other people and I’ve never felt so alone.  My mind takes me to dark places and it makes me want to isolate.  I don’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone or leave the house.  I want to just be alone to wallow in my misery.  I want to tell the world to fuck off.  There is no real cure to this, I just can’t allow it to drag me down.  I have to get out there and force myself to go to my group and to drive the lady with no license to the meeting, to reach out to people in the program and to some of my friends.  There are only a few people in my life that I know understand what this feels like.

When I got home, which was a little earlier than I had anticipated, Mare says to me “what are you doing home now”?  I apologized for showing up early and that kind of started a bit of spat.  She says she didn’t mean anything by it.  But how else am I supposed to take it?  It felt like I was not welcome in my own home.  I have to evaluate the evidence to see if what I am feeling is accurate or if I am just taking this personally.

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