……..

When I came into this new life and gave up the one that was slowly killing me I was warned about the “pink cloud”.  It’s a feeling of euphoria that some people get when everything in their life seems to be going amazingly well after getting into recovery.  I liked to think that I was not living on that pink cloud.  That my recovery is based on a real solid foundation.  But I am no different than anyone else.  I apparently have been holding onto that pink cloud for a long long time.  And right now I would give almost anything to get it back.  I am having a very hard time taking life as it’s being dealt to me at the moment.  I’m thinking of the term “a bitter pill to swallow”, however, I feel like I’ve been force fed the whole bottle.  I do my absolute best to remember that I am powerless over people, places, and things.  That leaves only me, the only thing I can control is myself and even that is a hard fought battle.  My prayer and meditation is sorely lacking and perhaps that is contributing to my state of mind lately.  I have had moments the last few days that are just so fucking frustrating and I can’t do anything about them.  I am constantly told that I have to take life on life’s terms…….well I don’t know how much more of that I can take.  Life is not playing fair lately.  Mare messaged me and told me that she has been in a bad mood all day and that got me on edge.  I never do well when she is like that, things are already tense around here and that just puts me into a state of being hyper alert to everything that she says or does.  So I was starting to have a panic attack before I even got home.  Fun!  Then I get home and my mother calls me and tells me that my Grandmother is not doing well.  She has had some really bad falls and has spent some lengthy time alone on the floor over night.  She has been put on some trans-dermal opioids for her pain.  This is serious fucking stuff.  It’s not a good sign and her condition is deteriorating pretty rapidly I guess.  I can’t do anything about this.  She is in her 90s and this is the way life goes, no one gets out alive.  But she is such a special lady I just don’t want her to suffer.  I want her to go the way Grandpa Joe went.  Just go to sleep peacefully, and drift off to the next place in the universe where we end up.  I have been praying for this all night.  I went to the meeting in Alliston tonight and I haven’t been there since I spoke there last year.  I was welcomed with genuine warmth and love.  It was amazing and it’s taken the sting out of the rest of the day.  I am so glad to have these people to turn to when I am feeling so lost and alone.

In gratitude….

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