Fuck today.  I am not doing well today.  My anxiety is pretty high about having to go and spend time with family.  This is something that really bothers me.  I should be exited to see family, not losing my shit in a coffee shop.  I can’t get out of my head.  To top things off my wife will not talk to me about how she is feeling.  A friend reminded me that she has a ton going on in her own head.  She is probably feeling a lot of pain today.  I’m feeling suddenly super selfish that I am mad at her for treating me this way today.  I have to try to not take this personally.  I can only work on keeping my side of the street clean and that means being there for both my family and her.  If she chooses to isolate and avoid me then I guess that’s how it’s going to be.

I think it might be time to look into some outside help for why i have such issues surrounding my parents.  I have always assumed that I only had problems in relation to dealing with my father.  But my mother is a massive trigger for me.  Being drunk used to make dealing with her lunacy much easier.   Now I have to try to use new coping mechanisms.  Life is hard ……

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