update

i made it through mother’s day.  It was tough, but I used this blog and talking with a friend to get through it.  She very kindly reminded me that I should take into consideration how others are feeling.  I was so wrapped up in how I was feeling that I neglected to take Mare’s feelings into account about the day.  She was upset, which is understandable, she hates the day given that her mom is no longer with us.  I let my anxiety and my stinking thinking get the better of me and lead me the down the panic path.  I hate that feeling.  I actually found myself thinking about how much easier it was at times to just stay numb and not have to really let the feelings reach the surface.  Don’t get me wrong I was not in relapse mode, but I was remembering fondly how much easier it was to deal with my family when I was drinking.

I suppose there is something to be said about how I am more cognitive of my feelings now.  I can recognize when I am feeling like this and not just switch to react mode.  I actually took a lot of time and thought about what was going on.  Thankfully Ash responded to text messages and gave me exactly what I needed to hear at the exact time I needed to hear it.  If I wasn’t in the place I am now I wouldn’t have even been open to the idea.  I would have just stayed in my head and been pissed off and upset for the whole day.  I should probably have called my sponsor about it, but he has his own stuff going on with his mother that I hate to be a burden with.  I’ll have to ask him about that.

I don’t when the next time I have to see family is.  Probably father’s day I guess.  Who makes up these fucking holidays?  fuck those guys….

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