happy, joyous and free

This is a motto of the program and the promise is that if you follow the program and do the “do” things then this is going to be your life.  I’m none of these things at the moment.  I am unsure if it’s because I am spending too much time in my head, or too much time listening to my heart.  It’s probably more that my heart is trying to tell me something and I am allowing my brain to misinterpret the message.  They tell me that I have to examine the evidence and process my emotions rationally and without allowing them to control me.  I’m convinced that “they” have never actually tried to do this.

Lately I feel like my heart is beating out of my chest and it’s usually centered around my home life.  I don’t know what to do about this but I know it isn’t good.  My problem is that I have no one to really talk to about this part of my life.  I don’t know anyone who has gone through something similar.  I have lots of friends in the program to reach out to if the issue was that I needed to know how to stay sober in while going through this.  But I don’t currently feel like that is a concern.  I am not worried about allowing myself to slide into that abyss.  It’s more a worry that I am never going to be happy.  I have removed one my tools that I used to use to cope with this feeling.  Now I am really feeling the true weight of this.  Where do I go from here?

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