So I was asked by my sponsor to be the speaker at our home group meeting tonight. I of course said yes, because I have been told that you should always say yes when asked to do something in the program. Well as I get closer to the end of the day and the start of the meeting I know that I am going to be living with the butterflies in my stomach. There is no real reason to be nervous in this case. But I do tend to get a block thrown up between my brain and my mouth. I know what I want to say but it seems to come out as gibberish. Or at least that is how I perceive it. My disease of perception tells me that everyone is going to be judging me. Judging my story, judging my message, judging my recovery…..
I know that this isn’t true. Because I have been to many speaker meetings and I have never done that. But I still get slightly nervous even sharing when it’s a small group. I guess I am scared of sounding dumb. I go to meetings and meet and hear so many people that carry the message so well that I am intimidated by them. Sometimes I pass when it’s my turn to share, even when i have something pressing that I need to get off my chest. Which is dangerous for me. I have to get this shit out of my head or it’s going to kill me. This blog is a help for sure but sometimes it is nice to get a little feed back from someone who understands what I am going through.
So for now I am going to fight the urge to prepare for being the Guest Speaker and just let the universe tell me what I am supposed to say.