So I was asked by my sponsor to be the speaker at our home group meeting tonight.  I of course said yes, because I have been told that you should always say yes when asked to do something in the program.  Well as I get closer to the end of the day and the start of the meeting I know that I am going to be living with the butterflies in my stomach.  There is no real reason to be nervous in this case.  But I do tend to get a block thrown up between my brain and my mouth.  I know what I want to say but it seems to come out as gibberish.  Or at least that is how I perceive it.  My disease of perception tells me that everyone is going to be judging me.  Judging my story, judging my message, judging my recovery…..

I know that this isn’t true.  Because I have been to many speaker meetings and I have never done that.  But I still get slightly nervous even sharing when it’s a small group.  I guess I am scared of sounding dumb.  I go to meetings and meet and hear so many people that carry the message so well that I am intimidated by them.  Sometimes I pass when it’s my turn to share, even when i have something pressing that I need to get off my chest.  Which is dangerous for me.  I have to get this shit out of my head or it’s going to kill me.  This blog is a help for sure but sometimes it is nice to get a little feed back from someone who understands what I am going through.

So for now I am going to fight the urge to prepare for being the Guest Speaker and just let the universe tell me what I am supposed to say.

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