Here I go again, I’m letting the ill formed parts of my mind run the show again. I haven’t slept because I am feeling the tide of anxiety forming behind me. I have come to realize that I have this insane ability to jump to conclusions about things. And I think that in this case this is because of my complete lack of self esteem. I had made plans with some friends and it got cancelled. Which is a pretty normal thing to happen. I however jump to the conclusion that I have done something wrong, that I have made someone upset with me. I can’t for the life of me think what that would be. But in noticing this, I’ve realized that I have done this my whole life. My go to reaction in these cases is to “punish you, by punishing me”. I am hurting so someone else has to hurt as well. I will cut people out of my life for something like this. I have lost contact with friends over stuff like this. It’s crazy. I don’t want this to happen, but I have this angry pit in my stomach that tells me that I am not good enough. That no one likes me. That I don’t deserve to have friends.
I sort of know how to develop a more appropriate response to this, but it is really hard to break that cycle. How does one overcome this reaction. Do I just ignore it and pretend that it doesn’t exist? Do I talk about it with someone? I am scared to do that because I think people will think I am crazy and I certainly don’t wish to upset anyone.