Here I go again, I’m letting the ill formed parts of my mind run the show again.  I haven’t slept because I am feeling the tide of anxiety forming behind me.  I have come to realize that I have this insane ability to jump to conclusions about things.  And I think that in this case this is because of my complete lack of self esteem.  I had made plans with some friends and it got cancelled.  Which is a pretty normal thing to happen.  I however jump to the conclusion that I have done something wrong, that I have made someone upset with me.  I can’t for the life of me think what that would be.  But in noticing this, I’ve realized that I have done this my whole life.  My go to reaction in these cases is to “punish you, by punishing me”.  I am hurting so someone else has to hurt as well.  I will cut people out of my life for something like this.  I have lost contact with friends over stuff like this.  It’s crazy.  I don’t want this to happen, but I have this angry pit in my stomach that tells me that I am not good enough.  That no one likes me.  That I don’t deserve to have friends.

I sort of know how to develop a more appropriate response to this, but it is really hard to break that cycle.  How does one overcome this reaction.  Do I just ignore it and pretend that it doesn’t exist?  Do I talk about it with someone?  I am scared to do that because I think people will think I am crazy and I certainly don’t wish to upset anyone.

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