I am so frustrated at things right now. I have been feeling really good about my progress at the gym lately. The last couple of nights excluded. I struggled last night to keep my motivation up and get through my workout. Tonight however was a fucking disaster. I was excited to get there and see everyone and hang out before, or after, or whatever. As I got there I started to feel a little weird. Hard to describe type weird, I don’t know if it was hunger, or nauseau or whatever…. But I got onto the treadmill and was feeling motivated to get a fantastic 5 km done and feel awesome after. But after only 5 mins I started to feel really tight and dizzy. I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath and I had a few moments where I stopped because I thought I might fall over. I couldn’t focus at all. I tried a few times to walk it off, stopped and caught my breath, tried again…nothing seemed to work. I couldn’t find the strength to keep going. I had to stop as the dizziness progressed to where I had to sit down. I went and found one of the chairs at the front and calmed down for a few minutes. I eventually made it home and after pausing lots and feeling really odd driving home. I went and checked my blood sugar and it was really good, 4.5, right about where I would expect after a clean eating and workout day. But holy fuck am I ever pissed off now. I was getting ready to quit the club that I go to. I was so upset with myself, why can’t I just get through a short fucking run. I used to do these 5kms 5 or 6 times a week. I had weeks where I would run 3 or 4 10kms and feel pretty good after.
If I stop and examine the evidence I guess I am being too hard on myself. Or so I am told….I just felt so worthless and frustrated. I was wondering why am I even fucking bothering with trying to get more healthy. It doesn’t matter here. Shit doesn’t change in my life if I do or don’t. I am down another pant size and some of my shirts are too big, big fucking deal, I am not any happier. My home life hasn’t changed.
I also realize (later) that if I go in tomorrow and manage to get through one I will probably want to run around the gym doing fist bumps and high fives to everyone. Even the “bros”…….
pause, breath, reflect, examine, listen, and be grateful.