I am so frustrated at things right now.  I have been feeling really good about my progress at the gym lately.  The last couple of nights excluded.  I struggled last night to keep my motivation up and get through my workout.  Tonight however was a fucking disaster.  I was excited to get there and see everyone and hang out before, or after, or whatever.  As I got there I started to feel a little weird.  Hard to describe type weird, I don’t know if it was hunger, or nauseau or whatever….  But I got onto the treadmill and was feeling motivated to get a fantastic 5 km done and feel awesome after.  But after only 5 mins I started to feel really tight and dizzy.  I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath and I had a few moments where I stopped because I thought I might fall over.  I couldn’t focus at all.  I tried a few times to walk it off, stopped and caught my breath, tried again…nothing seemed to work.  I couldn’t find the strength to keep going.  I had to stop as the dizziness progressed to where I had to sit down.  I went and found one of the chairs at the front and calmed down for a few minutes.  I eventually made it home and after pausing lots and feeling really odd driving home.  I went and checked my blood sugar and it was really good, 4.5, right about where I would expect after a clean eating and workout day.  But holy fuck am I ever pissed off now.  I was getting ready to quit the club that I go to.  I was so upset with myself, why can’t I just get through a short fucking run.  I used to do these  5kms 5 or 6 times a week.  I had weeks where I would run 3 or 4 10kms and feel pretty good after.

If I stop and examine the evidence I guess I am being too hard on myself.  Or so I am told….I just felt so worthless and frustrated.  I was wondering why am I even fucking bothering with trying to get more healthy.  It doesn’t matter here.  Shit doesn’t change in my life if I do or don’t.  I am down another pant size and some of my shirts are too big, big fucking deal, I am not any happier.  My home life hasn’t changed.

I also realize (later) that if I go in tomorrow and manage to get through one I will probably want to run around the gym doing fist bumps and high fives to everyone.  Even the “bros”…….

pause, breath, reflect, examine, listen, and be grateful.

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