I am feeling really good today.  I woke up before my alarm and the birds were greeting me to plunge forth into my day.  But with the death of Anthony Bourdain I have been thinking about something that I have kind of noticed a lot lately.  I have never told anyone about this but I have a tendency to idealize suicide.  I am not saying that I am suicidal.  I don’t want to die, I realize that it is a sad and permanent solution to a temporary problem.  But when I get into those low waves of depression it sometimes becomes a constant nagging thought, something I can’t get out of my head.  I will be driving along the road and start to wonder how bad will this hurt if I just swerve into this dump truck.  Or as I am taking my medication at night, what will it be like if I take this entire bottle.  Probably the craziest one is I’ve been sitting in a coffee shop near a cop and wondered if I could get his gun and use it on myself before he stopped me.  The depression and anxiety will finally be over, I can rest.  I know that this is irrational thought, that I would never again get to see my friends and family.  But with this much going on in my head it is sometimes a very overpowering feeling.  I don’t want to exit this life prematurely, I have come to see far too much beauty in this world to want to give it up.  I have become attached to people again and it is lovely.  I have reasons to be here.

I want to believe that if this feeling ever gets to be too much that I have a program that will help me get through it.  I have people that I can reach out too.  I have a sponsor whom I need to begin leaning on more.  I pray that everyone I know has the same access to these things as well.


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