I am feeling really good today. I woke up before my alarm and the birds were greeting me to plunge forth into my day. But with the death of Anthony Bourdain I have been thinking about something that I have kind of noticed a lot lately. I have never told anyone about this but I have a tendency to idealize suicide. I am not saying that I am suicidal. I don’t want to die, I realize that it is a sad and permanent solution to a temporary problem. But when I get into those low waves of depression it sometimes becomes a constant nagging thought, something I can’t get out of my head. I will be driving along the road and start to wonder how bad will this hurt if I just swerve into this dump truck. Or as I am taking my medication at night, what will it be like if I take this entire bottle. Probably the craziest one is I’ve been sitting in a coffee shop near a cop and wondered if I could get his gun and use it on myself before he stopped me. The depression and anxiety will finally be over, I can rest. I know that this is irrational thought, that I would never again get to see my friends and family. But with this much going on in my head it is sometimes a very overpowering feeling. I don’t want to exit this life prematurely, I have come to see far too much beauty in this world to want to give it up. I have become attached to people again and it is lovely. I have reasons to be here.
I want to believe that if this feeling ever gets to be too much that I have a program that will help me get through it. I have people that I can reach out too. I have a sponsor whom I need to begin leaning on more. I pray that everyone I know has the same access to these things as well.