from bad to worse

Well fuck me sideways, this day has been a complete fucking pile of rubbish.  I woke up feeling good and decided to head into town for my District 8 meeting in Barrie.  Now, Mare and I have not really spoken too much after yesterday’s blow up.  Then I am sitting in the meeting and I start getting messages from her about doing our meal prep.  She then states that “I am going to get some wine”.  Now this is a normal thing to say for some people and in many households.  However, I have not had to deal with alcohol in my house in almost 2 years.  I immediately went into the dark and anxious part of my mind.  How dare she, what is she thinking?  We haven’t even talked about this yet.  That sort of thing…..which may seem irrational.  But this has been a safe place for me for the last 2 years.  There is only ONE place in my life that I can control what is happening around me.  She tells me that she feels like she has to walk on egg shells around me, that she doesn’t feel normal in her own house.

My problem with this situation is that I have been feeling very, very low lately.  I have found myself fantasising about the drink.  I am scared about it a little because I know that this is the first step towards relapse.  It’s almost as if I am planning a relapse.  This is not a matter of will power.  I know that will power has no place in this.  I know that if I take that first one I might as well just off myself.  Because it will be an ugly situation for me.  I am constantly wrestling with my mind that tells me, “you have the ability to have just one, and you can stop, and no one need ever know about it”.  I have that disease of the mind that is telling me that I don’t have the disease.  This has been going on for a few months now.

Now throw in this situation with her wanting to drink wine in the house or on the patio.  She doesn’t seem to think it’s a big deal.  But my problem is that she didn’t think once to talk to me about it.  She just sent me this flippant text message stating that she was doing the one thing that I have asked not be done in the house.  On top of that she thinks I am calling her selfish when I state that she doesn’t seem to care that I am asking for this to be a safe place.  She thinks that I should be over this fear by now.  And she says that she doesn’t trust me enough to talk to me about stuff like this.  But if she had, I would have compromised and said, “how about I take you out for dinner and a glass of wine.”  I just don’t feel ready to have that in the house.

This of course led to her talking about how she has always wanted to have kids, and that her biggest regret is that she hasn’t done that.  (once again, this apparently is my fault, even though this is the first time she has said it me directly….also I am not sure how we got onto this topic)  She says she wants to go back to counseling….she never really went in the first place.  She left it up to me and I have no real desire to go back to that sort of thing.  It’s fucking expensive and we certainly don’t have the money for this right now.  She has racked up her credit card to 21, 000 again.  How in the fuck am I supposed to live like this…..

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