Tailspin, I am stuck in my own head again. I don’t think I would call it taking back my own will. It’s more of a situation that I have to sit back and wait for things to play out. But I have the old stinking thinking where I am struggling to try to control things or at least to come to grips with things in my life. I am not very good at this. I know that I have no control over people, places, and things, but I have emotions and sometimes they seem to be shouting the loudest. I suppose that the fact that I am even recognizing these things about myself is progress. I been wrestling with the personalities in my office. I one or two people that I work with that are going to require me to take time away from the office. Mental health days if you will…..
One of my character defects is that I suffer from a terrible fear of abandonment. I genuinely have know idea why, or how this came to be. But it is there and it is terrible and debilitating at times. I very seldom even recognize when it pops up. But I have a habit of writing people off when it comes up. I feel that it is irrational but sadly it’s happened in the past without me even realizing and I have lost friends because of it. I often wonder if it’s because of my childhood as an army brat. Either I or my friends, the people that I have grown close to, would move away every couple of years. I have read studies that indicate that kids raised in this environment tend to be more resilient and able to adapt to their environment. I recognize that I have the ability to blend into any group of people, to seek out what we have in common and use that to engage people. So maybe that’s a positive. But I also always assume that the people that I care about the most are only ever temporary.
How do I fix this?