here I go again

Tailspin, I am stuck in my own head again.  I don’t think I would call it taking back my own will.  It’s more of a situation that I have to sit back and wait for things to play out.  But I have the old stinking thinking where I am struggling to try to control things or at least to come to grips with things in my life.  I am not very good at this.  I know that I have no control over people, places, and things, but I have emotions and sometimes they seem to be shouting the loudest.  I suppose that the fact that I am even recognizing these things about myself is progress.  I been wrestling with the personalities in my office.  I one or two people that I work with that are going to require me to take time away from the office.  Mental health days if you will…..

One of my character defects is that I suffer from a terrible fear of abandonment.  I genuinely have know idea why, or how this came to be.  But it is there and it is terrible and debilitating at times.  I very seldom even recognize when it pops up.  But I have a habit of writing people off when it comes up.  I feel that it is irrational but sadly it’s happened in the past without me even realizing and I have lost friends because of it.  I often wonder if it’s because of my childhood as an army brat.  Either I or my friends, the people that I have grown close to, would move away every couple of years.  I have read studies that indicate that kids raised in this environment tend to be more resilient and able to adapt to their environment.  I recognize that I have the ability to blend into any group of people, to seek out what we have in common and use that to engage people.  So maybe that’s a positive.  But I also always assume that the people that I care about the most are only ever temporary.

How do I fix this?

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