tonight

Before I get into the update about the half-marathon (which I fucking finished) I have to get into this shit that I am processing tonight.  We had a second session with the councilor tonight.  We had a bunch of homework that we were supposed to get done before this session but life really got in the way and we only managed to get one part done.  It’s been pretty good at home lately, or at least I thought so anyway.  One of the things that we had to try to do was to plan some dates for each other.  Mare selected a day date at the zoo and I thought that would be awesome.  We also had to pick 5 date questions.  She came up with 11 questions, the little over achiever, and we got through all of them.  One of the things that discovered during that conversation was that I have a hard time being open and honest with her.  She was asking me these questions and I was pausing to think about my answers, I realized that I was trying to pick an answer that I thought she wanted to hear.  This is a revelation, because I recognized that I was doing it.  So I decided to try to answer honestly.  When she asked me “What did I think took me way to long to realize?” I answered that I wished I had recognized that I was in trouble with my addiction a long time ago.  I then elaborated that the major incident for me that I thought should have been a flag, was the time I got drunk and she locked me out of a hotel room in Florida.  I apparently flew into a rage and punched a mirror and broke it.  At the time I rationalized the incident by saying that I should not drink gin as it made me angry.  I never touched it again, but that was bullshit.  The problem wasn’t the gin, it was my selfishness and denial that I had a problem.  I told her this and she started crying.  At the time I thought that this was a good thing and that I had opened up and admitted my wrong doing in this.  But she took it as me insensitive and she apparently started shutting down on me again.  She decided to avoid the rest of the “homework” from the councilor because of this and it set her right back on a path of allowing her resentments towards me to control her actions and words.

The councilor asked us what we thought of the day date that we went on.  I started out by saying that I thought it had gone really well, that I had a nice time.  Then Mare told her that she thought it was OK, that I had basically fucked it up by telling her how I felt when she asked me that question.  It turns out she has been harboring this resentment ever since that dinner.  This affected her for almost 3 weeks, including our time in Wisconsin.  It felt to me like this is a dead end.  Like the whole trip was a waste of time.  I thought it was a bonding event and she spent the whole time secretly hating me.

This is only scratching the surface of this issue.  I am still processing all of this and I am unsure of where to go next with this.  I feel like I can’t be honest with her now as it is going to upset her and force her to put up her walls again.  If she can’t begin to absorb her resentments then this is never going to work.

relationships sure can be a pile of rubbish sometimes…..

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