shit day

I am trying to process yesterday.  Aside from the obvious, something is very wrong.  I am having a hard time putting it into words.  I did not share this at a meeting yesterday because I don’t know what to say about it.  I have been feeling like Mare attacks me over little things lately.  I know that I have no power to change how she is feeling, but I hate it when she gives me shit over little things.  It feels like she is trying to drive a wedge in between us.  She has since apologized for yesterday, she says that when she feels bad about herself or is upset I end up taking the brunt of it all.  I have a hard time understanding this, because I would never lash out at her when I am down.  I won’t do that to someone I care about.

I feel like lately there is something emotionally that I can’t quite get to the surface.  I can’t put it into words, but I know it’s there.  I can feel it all the time.  Something is very wrong and it’s going to fucking explode.  I am a little worried about it, and I know that I need to talk to Keith about it soon, or I need to get it out at a meeting.  But I can’t quite put my finger on it yet.  It has been there for a while now, and on days like yesterday it starts to feel like I am going to lose it.

My brother reached out yesterday, he has been talking with my parents and they want to go out for Thanksgiving dinner somewhere.  I want to tell them all to fuck off.  I have zero interest in seeing my parents.  I haven’t cut them completely off but I hate dealing with their dysfunction lately.  I did enough of that as a kid, and even as a young adult.  I had to help hold the pieces together for my mother when they got divorced, now I have to sit by and watch as they socialize with us.  The whole time I am aware that my father is putting on an act for her so that he try to get back into her good books.  He wants someone to talk to and to look after him.  And she complains to me about this shit.  When I tell she has no obligation to talk to him after everything he has done.  She tells me that I don’t understand, that they were married a long time, that she feels bad for his situation.  This is where I want to scream, then don’t fucking complain to me about this.

Maybe I need to boycott every fucking holiday.  I don’t have any interest in Christmas, or Thanksgiving.  I LOVED being gone over Christmas last year.  I briefly entertained having everyone over for turkey dinner.  But I quickly squashed that idea.  I don’t need to put myself through that just to eat some thanksgiving chicken.  I haven’t thought about this in a long time, but I want to get drunk every single time that I have to spend time with my parents.  It used to make it tolerable to numb my feelings before seeing them.  Or Pat and I would be drinking beers during the whole family event.  I now see that as a huge trigger and I have even less desire to be there.

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