lonely

Yesterday was very off for me. I think that the first issue was that I let a guy at work get under my skin. I don’t know what it is about the guy; but one issue is his obsessions with small issues. He is like a dog with a bone on some things. He cannot let something go if he “thinks” that he is right. I’ve over heard him say that he has something like 17 outstanding grievances filed with our union. Which probably should tell me all I need to know about the guy. Anyways, he spent the whole day freaking out about some small issue and it really wore me out. Later in the afternoon I got some messages from Mare that made me feel like she really doesn’t get how much I do around the house. She told me that she was planning on working on the huge laundry problem we have at the moment. Well, I have been keeping up with doing laundry! So what the fuck is she talking about? I tried to run out the frustration at the gym, but that didn’t really work this time. Well it felt good, but it also gave me time to get into my own head and get myself worked up about it. So at the house it seems like I cannot keep up with keeping things clean. Mare will tell me how frustrated she is with how messy or cluttered rooms are. But I have sorted, organized and cleaned lots of these areas so many fucking times! It just seems like the give a fuck factor is missing. This really left me feeling drained and miserable. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and pretend that this situation isn’t happening. I have learned that this is not healthy for me, that isolating is not good for me. Isolating is a problem that I developed when I was drinking. It’s insanity, I feel lonely so I am going to make myself even more lonely by hiding from everyone. My misery wants to grow!

I guess the good thing to learn here is that I can recognize this in myself and reach out before it becomes a problem. I really should be calling my sponsor when it comes to things like this.

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