So I am slowly working my way through these steps. I am have done a first pass through my 4th and 5th steps. I believe that I have done them to the best of my ability. I sat with my sponsor on a few occasions and went through the stuff that I wrote down. It did not go exactly like I thought that it would. I expected to have to go through the thing line by line and have a long discussion about it all. It was more of a discussion about the “nature” of my wrongs. I guess this is not necessarily a confession of my crimes as much as it’s a sharing a list of the ways in which I think. It’s an interesting way of looking at it.
When I was in treatment I shared something with my roommate that I had never told anyone. It was something that was eating my up for a very long time. The relief that I felt from getting that out was fucking incredible. I attribute my success in staying sober to that moment. I also realize that over time I have begun sharing the greasier parts of myself with my sponsor. So some of my shit isn’t really a surprise to him. I always forget that He is in the rooms for the same reason as I am and in all likelihood he has done most of the same shit that I have.
So moving forward my next job is to begin to unpack my laundry list of defects and begin to process how I developed them. I have to learn how these things are making be behave. Often times my actions, thoughts and words are a direct result of these defects. (who am I kidding, it’s all the time) The goal is to be able to understand my emotions before I react to something in an inappropriate manner. I have to remember intelect over emotions. So I think that I am going to be getting back to writing here as I work my way through this stuff.
I am capable, worthwhile and loveable.