I am finally getting into some step work. I sat with Keith last week and we went through a little bit of a 5th step. I have had stuff written out for almost a year now. I don’t quite know why I am sitting on it but it’s time for me to progress through some more steps. A few of the tings I have learned about myself are quite shocking. Number one is that I am a really angry person. WTF?
I had no idea and if you had asked me about it I would have said that anger is not someting I have ever had in my heart. But after reading a book called “Enemies of the Heart” I have come to realize that I have a serious problem with anger.
I also have learned that I am a very dishonest person and that I have a tendency to tell a lie when the truth would serve me better. I used to think that I consistently lived on the moral high ground compared to so many people. Holy shit was I ever wrong about that. I am truly self-centered, selfish and dishonest. I would often be better off telling people exactly what I am thinking when it comes up. Because when I don’t it seems like I get into a position of being angry and then building resentments.
I am still working on this stuff and still writing stuff down. But I hope to meet with Keith again and see what else comes up. So more to follow on this.
I am capable, worthwhile and lovable.
Today begins the first day of a 4 day long weekend for me. I always reflect on these days as it would have been a long long bender for me. I would have stocked up on booze for the weekend and then would have stayed drunk for 4 straight days. In early days of the disease I would have made it out of the house to restock my supply. Having to carefully plan when I would be able to find an open liquor store. It’s tough in Ontario for an alcoholic on holidays like this. It takes a mental toll trying to plan when you will be able to ensure that you have enough booze to get through the day. In later days I would be making excuses to get out of the house to hunt down one of those small convenience stores that have a license to sell booze. These stores will bring out the truly sick people on a daily basis. The seem to have a little bit of wiggle room in how they operate. I can remember getting to the store before they were able to actually sell me booze. It was pure hell. I just wanted to be home in the basement with my bottle and not have to worry about the next one.
The overwhelming feeling that I have been having lately is that I am really frustrated with my life. How do I go about getting over the fact that I pretty hate my life. I keep telling myself that I have to remain grateful and that I have so much to be thankful for. It’s true, I do have so much to be grateful for. I am blessed that I got into recovery as early as I did, that I can still have a good life. If I can only figure out what that means for me. I just don’t know what I want, I have always felt that I am more or less just along for the ride and that life is just sort of happening around me. I am not an active participant, perhaps that what leads me to feel so isolated and alone.
I have barely survived another emotional relapse. I have been feeling super shitty lately. I was letting my emotions and my disease get the better of me. I did not do any of the do things that are suggested as a program of recover. I crying to myself wondering what is wrong with me? Why won’t this stuff sink in for me? I got sober so that I wouldn’t die and that I could be happy and have a better life. Well, I am not happy! WTF?
I was so close to relapse this time that I was scared shitless. And the stupid part is that I was white knuckling it through this. I didn’t call anyone, as I genuinely have a hard time believing that anyone truly gives a shit about me. When someone does seem to, I feel completely unworthy of it. I have friends that I am constantly wondering why is this person in my life? Don’t they know how worthless and shitty I am? Can’t they see the same things that I do?
This negative self talk is going to get me killed eventually.
I am the driver of the struggle bus right now. I have been feeling restless, irritable and discontent for a while now but lately it has elevated to a new level. For the first time in almost two and half years I felt the strong pull to step foot into either a bar or the liquor store. My emotions have been in control for a few days now and my disease is telling me that the only way to get some relief is to have a few drinks to take the edge off. This was the way I used to get through these tumultuous days. I could hide out and avoid people and just wallow in my misery. I am feeling very lost and don’t know what to do about it. Thankfully I did not ride the truck all the way to the dump this time. I didn’t actually get as far as actually drinking, but holy fuck I wanted it so bad. I made it to a meeting and I am reminded of what I am doing there. Step 1 again, always a fresh reminder of how bad it can get.
So here I am with dealing with changes and not having had a check in with my spiritual condition. I haven’t been doing the do things and this might be part of my problem. I don’t think I have meditated or prayed honestly in a while. If I don’t get this out and open up to someone soon I am lost. I am sure of that.
Interesting thing happened to me the other night, I have this new comer to the program that I am helping. I have been driving her to some meetings and encouraging her to get involved in her recovery. In doing so we to exchange portions of our stories. I was telling this girl about how I struggled with my relationship with my mother and how she seems to be always worried about me. This girl says to me “gee that sounds nice, I wish my mother cared enough to be worried.”. That was a moment where I had to pause and reflect on this. I certainly realize that I am lucky to have a mother that is still around and that is in my life. I need to work on allowing myself to forgive her for my perceived wrongs and to be more tolerant of her over dramatic behaviour. I suppose that I cannot change how she acts, but it is going to be hard to adapt to this idea. Life sure is crazy.
I am capable, worthwhile and loveable.
There is this woman in the program that I have spoken with a few times. She is super nice and I always enjoy her shares as she is very open and honest. But she has a habit of disappearing from the rooms for extended periods of time. One time she was gone for months and it turned out that she was in jail for some past DUI conviction. She has pretty much lost everything do to her disease. She has lost her job because she can no longer drive. It seems just as she gets some momentum in life she drinks and gets knocked down again and again. It’s very sad to watch from the outside. Having had that change of heart that drinking is not for me.
So this woman was back in the rooms on Saturday and she asked me for a ride home. Which is normal as I’ve dropped her off at home several times. She started confiding in me that she is under some crazy stress and has relapsed again. This time she has really gone for it. She was doing some volunteer hours, part of her probation, at the Salvation Army shelter downtown and got herself involved with a homeless guy. They had a bit of an affair for a while and she was thinking about leaving her husband for this guy. He had her convinced that he could look after her and would give her nice things. Now this guy has turned on her and is showing that he is mentally unstable. He is threatening to go and tell her husband. He knows where she lives, he has photographic and email evidence of this. She is losing her mind and of course feels like her life is falling apart.
I often think I’ve heard it all in the rooms, but I am continually surprised. As Keith tells me, there are those you can learn from, then there are the “other” people you learn from….