Author: Brendan L

dreams

Holy fuck I am shook! I had a terrible string of dreams that I was back into drinking and hiding it from everyone. In this particular dream I was at the Men’s Meeting in Barrie and then I went down to the local LCBO to “pick up something for my wife”. While I was in the store I kept seeing friends from the rooms of AA in there. There was a strong feeling of guilt washing over me, which is normal for this guy in the few times that these dreams have happened. I remember buying the biggest bottle of vodka that I could find and trying to hide it. At some point in the dream I lost track of the 40 of vodka that I had purchased. Now the funny thing about this is that this scenario played out in real life once. I lost a bottle in the house and could not find it for the life of me. But my wife found it, and put it at the foot of the bed for me to see when I woke up. One of the things I recall in the dream that is making me pause is that my Mom was involved. She could see what was going on and was crying and upset, and this bothered me more than I thought it would. So long story short this day is not starting off on the best footing. Thank God I have a program that I can use to unload these feelings. Give it away and let my higher power take over.

step work

So I am slowly working my way through these steps. I am have done a first pass through my 4th and 5th steps. I believe that I have done them to the best of my ability. I sat with my sponsor on a few occasions and went through the stuff that I wrote down. It did not go exactly like I thought that it would. I expected to have to go through the thing line by line and have a long discussion about it all. It was more of a discussion about the “nature” of my wrongs. I guess this is not necessarily a confession of my crimes as much as it’s a sharing a list of the ways in which I think. It’s an interesting way of looking at it.

When I was in treatment I shared something with my roommate that I had never told anyone. It was something that was eating my up for a very long time. The relief that I felt from getting that out was fucking incredible. I attribute my success in staying sober to that moment. I also realize that over time I have begun sharing the greasier parts of myself with my sponsor. So some of my shit isn’t really a surprise to him. I always forget that He is in the rooms for the same reason as I am and in all likelihood he has done most of the same shit that I have.

So moving forward my next job is to begin to unpack my laundry list of defects and begin to process how I developed them. I have to learn how these things are making be behave. Often times my actions, thoughts and words are a direct result of these defects. (who am I kidding, it’s all the time) The goal is to be able to understand my emotions before I react to something in an inappropriate manner. I have to remember intelect over emotions. So I think that I am going to be getting back to writing here as I work my way through this stuff.

I am capable, worthwhile and loveable.

step work

I am finally getting into some step work. I sat with Keith last week and we went through a little bit of a 5th step. I have had stuff written out for almost a year now. I don’t quite know why I am sitting on it but it’s time for me to progress through some more steps. A few of the tings I have learned about myself are quite shocking. Number one is that I am a really angry person. WTF?

I had no idea and if you had asked me about it I would have said that anger is not someting I have ever had in my heart. But after reading a book called “Enemies of the Heart” I have come to realize that I have a serious problem with anger.

I also have learned that I am a very dishonest person and that I have a tendency to tell a lie when the truth would serve me better. I used to think that I consistently lived on the moral high ground compared to so many people. Holy shit was I ever wrong about that. I am truly self-centered, selfish and dishonest. I would often be better off telling people exactly what I am thinking when it comes up. Because when I don’t it seems like I get into a position of being angry and then building resentments.

I am still working on this stuff and still writing stuff down. But I hope to meet with Keith again and see what else comes up. So more to follow on this.

I am capable, worthwhile and lovable.

B

easter

Today begins the first day of a 4 day long weekend for me. I always reflect on these days as it would have been a long long bender for me. I would have stocked up on booze for the weekend and then would have stayed drunk for 4 straight days. In early days of the disease I would have made it out of the house to restock my supply. Having to carefully plan when I would be able to find an open liquor store. It’s tough in Ontario for an alcoholic on holidays like this. It takes a mental toll trying to plan when you will be able to ensure that you have enough booze to get through the day. In later days I would be making excuses to get out of the house to hunt down one of those small convenience stores that have a license to sell booze. These stores will bring out the truly sick people on a daily basis. The seem to have a little bit of wiggle room in how they operate. I can remember getting to the store before they were able to actually sell me booze. It was pure hell. I just wanted to be home in the basement with my bottle and not have to worry about the next one.

fml

The overwhelming feeling that I have been having lately is that I am really frustrated with my life. How do I go about getting over the fact that I pretty hate my life. I keep telling myself that I have to remain grateful and that I have so much to be thankful for. It’s true, I do have so much to be grateful for. I am blessed that I got into recovery as early as I did, that I can still have a good life. If I can only figure out what that means for me. I just don’t know what I want, I have always felt that I am more or less just along for the ride and that life is just sort of happening around me. I am not an active participant, perhaps that what leads me to feel so isolated and alone.

white knuckles

I have barely survived another emotional relapse. I have been feeling super shitty lately. I was letting my emotions and my disease get the better of me. I did not do any of the do things that are suggested as a program of recover. I crying to myself wondering what is wrong with me? Why won’t this stuff sink in for me? I got sober so that I wouldn’t die and that I could be happy and have a better life. Well, I am not happy! WTF?

I was so close to relapse this time that I was scared shitless. And the stupid part is that I was white knuckling it through this. I didn’t call anyone, as I genuinely have a hard time believing that anyone truly gives a shit about me. When someone does seem to, I feel completely unworthy of it. I have friends that I am constantly wondering why is this person in my life? Don’t they know how worthless and shitty I am? Can’t they see the same things that I do?

This negative self talk is going to get me killed eventually.