Sunday was Fathers day, and I really couldn’t have given two shits. My usual apathy for this “holiday” was a little over the top this year. I just didn’t really want to give my dad a call. I was actually slightly grateful for this pandemic as I was handed an excuse to avoid seeing him. I am always struck by how I feel towards my parents, when it comes to them I think my attitude is unusual. At least in comparison to what I assume people think is normal. I don’t make much of an attempt to keep in touch with them any more. I was browsing a thread on Reddit today that was about getting things off of your chest. The thread in particular that had me thinking was about a guy who stated that he had come to realize that he didn’t like his parents all that much. He stated that he obviously loved them because they are his parents, but that he just didn’t like them as people.
HOLY SHIT! once again I find there is someone out there that thinks like I do. I thought I was alone in that feeling. When I was drinking I used to call my Mom a lot because when I was drunk. I don’t know why that was, maybe I was drunk and lonely. But I seldom call much now that I am sober. I almost never call my dad. Now, I am well aware that I have many resentments and an unhealthy amount of anger towards him, but I am told that I should pray for him and that I need to let go of those resentments. The hard part is that I think I need to talk about this stuff with him, and well, I just don’t like him as a person all that much. Every time we get together he starts to tell these really stupid stories and quite often the content is not appropriate for the setting and company in attendance. I just get more confused how we could be so different and yet have the same disease.
I was beginning to feel very worn out the last few days. I couldn’t sleep through the night. I couldn’t get the foggy feeling out of my head. It was not very pleasant and wasn’t feeling comfortable in my own skin for a bit. The asshole commitee in my head was getting very loud. I thankfully have placed a copy of the big book at my workstation area and I can pick it up and have a quick read when i get that way. I also had a random visit from my friend and it was such a pleasant surprise that it shocked back into a positive frame of mind.
It’s amazing that such a simple thing can such a positive effect on my mental state. Fanastic!
The world is a very scary place right now. This Covid-19 pandemic is absolutely scary and making life very difficult. It’s been a while since I used this as a tool in my recovery arsenal and boy have I noticed it. All of our meeting places are shut down so there are no in person AA meetings occurring right now. This is very scary for someone like me. Even when I travel I make sure that I can locate meetings. So for me to not be able to get to one when I want to, never mind when I might NEED to get there….holy SHIT! Scary stuff. But I feel that more than ever I need to remember that I have been given the gift of a set of tools and strategies to get me through difficult times. I can call my sponsor, I can call friends in the program; they are always willing to talk and help if needed. We have moved to doing some meetings online through a program/service called Zoom. It’s really a life saver right now. We can get up to 80 people into a meeting and have everyone share how they are doing. It’s certainly doing the job in a pinch.
It seems that everyone right now is on edge with the holiday season. I know that I am not alone in having a difficult time regulating my inner monologue and emotions during this season. But I am certainly not alone with that problem. I am fortunate that I have a program of recovery that allows me to recognize this problem thinking and to get it out of my system before it causes me to spiral. I have a friend right now that is on this downward spiral and it is really super frustrating to watch. Less than one week ago she was riding on top of the great pink cloud and was very optimistic that she was starting to see some of the benefits of recovery. She is now starting to isolate and head down the same road I have seen her go own for a while now. She has this habit of letting something disrupt her serenity and then it starts to build and left unchecked it causes the spiral. Once she shuts down it usually ends with her going out. I know exactly how to help her, but the problem is that she has to want the help. I cannot and will not go and beat anyone over the head with the recovery stick. That does neither of us any good.