axx been on vacation for a week now. I’m very ready to get back to reality.
I am finally getting into some step work. I sat with Keith last week and we went through a little bit of a 5th step. I have had stuff written out for almost a year now. I don’t quite know why I am sitting on it but it’s time for me to progress through some more steps. A few of the tings I have learned about myself are quite shocking. Number one is that I am a really angry person. WTF?
I had no idea and if you had asked me about it I would have said that anger is not someting I have ever had in my heart. But after reading a book called “Enemies of the Heart” I have come to realize that I have a serious problem with anger.
I also have learned that I am a very dishonest person and that I have a tendency to tell a lie when the truth would serve me better. I used to think that I consistently lived on the moral high ground compared to so many people. Holy shit was I ever wrong about that. I am truly self-centered, selfish and dishonest. I would often be better off telling people exactly what I am thinking when it comes up. Because when I don’t it seems like I get into a position of being angry and then building resentments.
I am still working on this stuff and still writing stuff down. But I hope to meet with Keith again and see what else comes up. So more to follow on this.
I am capable, worthwhile and lovable.
Today begins the first day of a 4 day long weekend for me. I always reflect on these days as it would have been a long long bender for me. I would have stocked up on booze for the weekend and then would have stayed drunk for 4 straight days. In early days of the disease I would have made it out of the house to restock my supply. Having to carefully plan when I would be able to find an open liquor store. It’s tough in Ontario for an alcoholic on holidays like this. It takes a mental toll trying to plan when you will be able to ensure that you have enough booze to get through the day. In later days I would be making excuses to get out of the house to hunt down one of those small convenience stores that have a license to sell booze. These stores will bring out the truly sick people on a daily basis. The seem to have a little bit of wiggle room in how they operate. I can remember getting to the store before they were able to actually sell me booze. It was pure hell. I just wanted to be home in the basement with my bottle and not have to worry about the next one.
The overwhelming feeling that I have been having lately is that I am really frustrated with my life. How do I go about getting over the fact that I pretty hate my life. I keep telling myself that I have to remain grateful and that I have so much to be thankful for. It’s true, I do have so much to be grateful for. I am blessed that I got into recovery as early as I did, that I can still have a good life. If I can only figure out what that means for me. I just don’t know what I want, I have always felt that I am more or less just along for the ride and that life is just sort of happening around me. I am not an active participant, perhaps that what leads me to feel so isolated and alone.
I have barely survived another emotional relapse. I have been feeling super shitty lately. I was letting my emotions and my disease get the better of me. I did not do any of the do things that are suggested as a program of recover. I crying to myself wondering what is wrong with me? Why won’t this stuff sink in for me? I got sober so that I wouldn’t die and that I could be happy and have a better life. Well, I am not happy! WTF?
I was so close to relapse this time that I was scared shitless. And the stupid part is that I was white knuckling it through this. I didn’t call anyone, as I genuinely have a hard time believing that anyone truly gives a shit about me. When someone does seem to, I feel completely unworthy of it. I have friends that I am constantly wondering why is this person in my life? Don’t they know how worthless and shitty I am? Can’t they see the same things that I do?
This negative self talk is going to get me killed eventually.
I am the driver of the struggle bus right now. I have been feeling restless, irritable and discontent for a while now but lately it has elevated to a new level. For the first time in almost two and half years I felt the strong pull to step foot into either a bar or the liquor store. My emotions have been in control for a few days now and my disease is telling me that the only way to get some relief is to have a few drinks to take the edge off. This was the way I used to get through these tumultuous days. I could hide out and avoid people and just wallow in my misery. I am feeling very lost and don’t know what to do about it. Thankfully I did not ride the truck all the way to the dump this time. I didn’t actually get as far as actually drinking, but holy fuck I wanted it so bad. I made it to a meeting and I am reminded of what I am doing there. Step 1 again, always a fresh reminder of how bad it can get.
So here I am with dealing with changes and not having had a check in with my spiritual condition. I haven’t been doing the do things and this might be part of my problem. I don’t think I have meditated or prayed honestly in a while. If I don’t get this out and open up to someone soon I am lost. I am sure of that.
Interesting thing happened to me the other night, I have this new comer to the program that I am helping. I have been driving her to some meetings and encouraging her to get involved in her recovery. In doing so we to exchange portions of our stories. I was telling this girl about how I struggled with my relationship with my mother and how she seems to be always worried about me. This girl says to me “gee that sounds nice, I wish my mother cared enough to be worried.”. That was a moment where I had to pause and reflect on this. I certainly realize that I am lucky to have a mother that is still around and that is in my life. I need to work on allowing myself to forgive her for my perceived wrongs and to be more tolerant of her over dramatic behaviour. I suppose that I cannot change how she acts, but it is going to be hard to adapt to this idea. Life sure is crazy.
I am capable, worthwhile and loveable.