I have been feeling really off the last two days. I dont know if it is the training for the half-marathon or work, or a combination of all? But I am so irritated with people around me. When I got home yesterday I was ready to fucking scream. I had all sorts of crazy shit running through my head. I even had a moment where I once again thought about how just driving my truck into something really big would be a good idea. I dont mean to end it, but just to feel something different. This is crazy, the idiot committee in my head is alive and well.
I really need to get ahead of this one. Things are not going to improve unless I do something. What that means is unclear as of yet.
Yesterday was pretty good, I had a pretty decent training run and some hang out time. After some down time at home I spontaneously decided to go Barrie and get a walk in. We walked for about 30 mins and then hit up the frozen yogurt place downtown. It was nice and we even went a few hours without any passive aggressive comments or hurt feelings. We talked a bit about the counselling, we kind of both laugh about how the counselor’s reactions to us owning some of our defects. Again, I don’t know how this is all going to work out, but it was nice to just exist in the moment.
I am trying to process yesterday. Aside from the obvious, something is very wrong. I am having a hard time putting it into words. I did not share this at a meeting yesterday because I don’t know what to say about it. I have been feeling like Mare attacks me over little things lately. I know that I have no power to change how she is feeling, but I hate it when she gives me shit over little things. It feels like she is trying to drive a wedge in between us. She has since apologized for yesterday, she says that when she feels bad about herself or is upset I end up taking the brunt of it all. I have a hard time understanding this, because I would never lash out at her when I am down. I won’t do that to someone I care about.
I feel like lately there is something emotionally that I can’t quite get to the surface. I can’t put it into words, but I know it’s there. I can feel it all the time. Something is very wrong and it’s going to fucking explode. I am a little worried about it, and I know that I need to talk to Keith about it soon, or I need to get it out at a meeting. But I can’t quite put my finger on it yet. It has been there for a while now, and on days like yesterday it starts to feel like I am going to lose it.
My brother reached out yesterday, he has been talking with my parents and they want to go out for Thanksgiving dinner somewhere. I want to tell them all to fuck off. I have zero interest in seeing my parents. I haven’t cut them completely off but I hate dealing with their dysfunction lately. I did enough of that as a kid, and even as a young adult. I had to help hold the pieces together for my mother when they got divorced, now I have to sit by and watch as they socialize with us. The whole time I am aware that my father is putting on an act for her so that he try to get back into her good books. He wants someone to talk to and to look after him. And she complains to me about this shit. When I tell she has no obligation to talk to him after everything he has done. She tells me that I don’t understand, that they were married a long time, that she feels bad for his situation. This is where I want to scream, then don’t fucking complain to me about this.
Maybe I need to boycott every fucking holiday. I don’t have any interest in Christmas, or Thanksgiving. I LOVED being gone over Christmas last year. I briefly entertained having everyone over for turkey dinner. But I quickly squashed that idea. I don’t need to put myself through that just to eat some thanksgiving chicken. I haven’t thought about this in a long time, but I want to get drunk every single time that I have to spend time with my parents. It used to make it tolerable to numb my feelings before seeing them. Or Pat and I would be drinking beers during the whole family event. I now see that as a huge trigger and I have even less desire to be there.
I have started reading a little of the ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) literature. One of the books that I got is a Daily Affirmations type book called Strengthening My Recovery. The passage today really resonated with me:
“We know we can be gentle with ourselves, that some of the work will become a habit after time, and that some of the work will have a different feel at different stages of our recovery. We practice patience and tolerance with ourselves, and softly allow the spiritual experience to flow naturally and easily.”
Once again I have let her mood affect me. She has been very off for a few days now. I am trying to give her space to work it out, but the care taking side of me wants to try to fix things. I know that I cannot do anything to change how she is reacting to life, I can’t change how she feels. Where I am struggling is that I am just getting exhausted by this. I am pretty much daily thinking about how much easier my life would be if I could jsut have my own place. A space I get to set up and it’s just mine. I could do what i want, I would not have to be beholden to anyone’s whims or wishes. The tiring part is just pretending like everything is ok. That we can get through this. The counselling thing is making a tiny bit of progress. But is it enough? I have my doubts.
Today has been really great. I am feeling very good about myself today. I did the Toronto Zoo run and I felt very strong throughout it. For the first time in all of these runs, I feel like I am making progress. I feel the motivation to keep going right now and it feels good. I was a little nervous about today given that it’s a bigger crowd than the run in Madison and there are a lot of very serious runners at this event. But I keep reminding myself that I am only there to race myself, to better myself. This is what keeps me going in these endurance events. I don’t much care for playing team sports, never have. I have always enjoyed activities that are solo. I don’t want anyone relying on my performance or vice versa. I want to be able to do my own thing. I remember when I was a kid my Mom made me decide between playing hockey or swimming. I don’t think they ever enjoyed the hockey thing. But I elected to take up competitive swimming instead of playing on a hockey team. I have never regretted that decision. I mean I was a mediocre swimmer at best, but I am pretty sure I was a terrible hockey player.
Last night was the first night that I have planned a date night for this new round of counselling with Mare. I had hoped to go to a fondue place called fundoozies. However we got there and it was closed, thus ruining the surprise and forcing me to come up with a plan B on the spot to get food. We went to Made in Mexico (which is my absolute favourite) and it was lovely. I had a list of prepared questions which I went through, sort of like first date type questions. These are supposed to help us reconnect with each other by showing an interest in each other and the answers. I guess? I had some pretty good ones and I stuck to only a few, Mary Anne went crazy with the questions when we did her date night. She had like 12 questions, and some of them seemed to be kind of deep.
The questions went OK, two things that stuck out to me were that when I asked the dinner party question, which is (If you had a dinner party and had to invite a musician, a famous couple, a politician, and a family member who would it be?) we had a few that were similar and that was pretty neat. The other one that I found interesting was when I asked who was her all time best friend? She said that I was, but I insisted that it had to be someone else. She had a really hard time answering. She couldn’t give really give me an answer and that seems weird. I think that she has a hard time reaching out to people, that when friends seem to drift off she won’t reach out. Her friend Misty has been super close to her in recent years but lately they have been very busy. Mare has a habit of just “firing” friends. She actually says that it feels good to fire friends and I think that is weird. Just because you don’t connect with someone all the time doesn’t mean you aren’t friends, just that you have to work a little harder to stay in each others lives. I know that I am guilty of this as well, but it’s weird to see it from the outside.