I am the driver of the struggle bus right now. I have been feeling restless, irritable and discontent for a while now but lately it has elevated to a new level. For the first time in almost two and half years I felt the strong pull to step foot into either a bar or the liquor store. My emotions have been in control for a few days now and my disease is telling me that the only way to get some relief is to have a few drinks to take the edge off. This was the way I used to get through these tumultuous days. I could hide out and avoid people and just wallow in my misery. I am feeling very lost and don’t know what to do about it. Thankfully I did not ride the truck all the way to the dump this time. I didn’t actually get as far as actually drinking, but holy fuck I wanted it so bad. I made it to a meeting and I am reminded of what I am doing there. Step 1 again, always a fresh reminder of how bad it can get.
So here I am with dealing with changes and not having had a check in with my spiritual condition. I haven’t been doing the do things and this might be part of my problem. I don’t think I have meditated or prayed honestly in a while. If I don’t get this out and open up to someone soon I am lost. I am sure of that.
Interesting thing happened to me the other night, I have this new comer to the program that I am helping. I have been driving her to some meetings and encouraging her to get involved in her recovery. In doing so we to exchange portions of our stories. I was telling this girl about how I struggled with my relationship with my mother and how she seems to be always worried about me. This girl says to me “gee that sounds nice, I wish my mother cared enough to be worried.”. That was a moment where I had to pause and reflect on this. I certainly realize that I am lucky to have a mother that is still around and that is in my life. I need to work on allowing myself to forgive her for my perceived wrongs and to be more tolerant of her over dramatic behaviour. I suppose that I cannot change how she acts, but it is going to be hard to adapt to this idea. Life sure is crazy.
I am capable, worthwhile and loveable.
There is this woman in the program that I have spoken with a few times. She is super nice and I always enjoy her shares as she is very open and honest. But she has a habit of disappearing from the rooms for extended periods of time. One time she was gone for months and it turned out that she was in jail for some past DUI conviction. She has pretty much lost everything do to her disease. She has lost her job because she can no longer drive. It seems just as she gets some momentum in life she drinks and gets knocked down again and again. It’s very sad to watch from the outside. Having had that change of heart that drinking is not for me.
So this woman was back in the rooms on Saturday and she asked me for a ride home. Which is normal as I’ve dropped her off at home several times. She started confiding in me that she is under some crazy stress and has relapsed again. This time she has really gone for it. She was doing some volunteer hours, part of her probation, at the Salvation Army shelter downtown and got herself involved with a homeless guy. They had a bit of an affair for a while and she was thinking about leaving her husband for this guy. He had her convinced that he could look after her and would give her nice things. Now this guy has turned on her and is showing that he is mentally unstable. He is threatening to go and tell her husband. He knows where she lives, he has photographic and email evidence of this. She is losing her mind and of course feels like her life is falling apart.
I often think I’ve heard it all in the rooms, but I am continually surprised. As Keith tells me, there are those you can learn from, then there are the “other” people you learn from….
I attended the 27th annual Barrie Men’s Group Christmas breakfast today with mare. The speaker today was a guy from Parry Sound and he was a one of the first speakers in a while that really made me think. He spoke about how he and his brother were raised in a broken up alcoholic home situation. He was the younger brother in that situation, but what I could relate to was the idea that his mother used him as a sort of surrogate husband. He also spoke about how he ended up going to the fellowship known as Adult Children of Alcoholics. Holy SHIT! I have been thinking the same thing. There is something missing in my life that I think would be very beneficial to my recovery journey. I have already purchased the literature for this program, I have yet to really dig into it. I have been thinking a lot lately about my relationship to my parents and I don’t know what to call my relationship to my mother. But she certainly relied on my far more than was appropriate for a young person. She was always treating me more as an ally that than a child. I have to get into this meat of that program somehow. And I was wondering if I should be waiting until after I have gone through the step work in AA.