step work

So I am slowly working my way through these steps. I am have done a first pass through my 4th and 5th steps. I believe that I have done them to the best of my ability. I sat with my sponsor on a few occasions and went through the stuff that I wrote down. It did not go exactly like I thought that it would. I expected to have to go through the thing line by line and have a long discussion about it all. It was more of a discussion about the “nature” of my wrongs. I guess this is not necessarily a confession of my crimes as much as it’s a sharing a list of the ways in which I think. It’s an interesting way of looking at it.

When I was in treatment I shared something with my roommate that I had never told anyone. It was something that was eating my up for a very long time. The relief that I felt from getting that out was fucking incredible. I attribute my success in staying sober to that moment. I also realize that over time I have begun sharing the greasier parts of myself with my sponsor. So some of my shit isn’t really a surprise to him. I always forget that He is in the rooms for the same reason as I am and in all likelihood he has done most of the same shit that I have.

So moving forward my next job is to begin to unpack my laundry list of defects and begin to process how I developed them. I have to learn how these things are making be behave. Often times my actions, thoughts and words are a direct result of these defects. (who am I kidding, it’s all the time) The goal is to be able to understand my emotions before I react to something in an inappropriate manner. I have to remember intelect over emotions. So I think that I am going to be getting back to writing here as I work my way through this stuff.

I am capable, worthwhile and loveable.

step work

I am finally getting into some step work. I sat with Keith last week and we went through a little bit of a 5th step. I have had stuff written out for almost a year now. I don’t quite know why I am sitting on it but it’s time for me to progress through some more steps. A few of the tings I have learned about myself are quite shocking. Number one is that I am a really angry person. WTF?

I had no idea and if you had asked me about it I would have said that anger is not someting I have ever had in my heart. But after reading a book called “Enemies of the Heart” I have come to realize that I have a serious problem with anger.

I also have learned that I am a very dishonest person and that I have a tendency to tell a lie when the truth would serve me better. I used to think that I consistently lived on the moral high ground compared to so many people. Holy shit was I ever wrong about that. I am truly self-centered, selfish and dishonest. I would often be better off telling people exactly what I am thinking when it comes up. Because when I don’t it seems like I get into a position of being angry and then building resentments.

I am still working on this stuff and still writing stuff down. But I hope to meet with Keith again and see what else comes up. So more to follow on this.

I am capable, worthwhile and lovable.

B

easter

Today begins the first day of a 4 day long weekend for me. I always reflect on these days as it would have been a long long bender for me. I would have stocked up on booze for the weekend and then would have stayed drunk for 4 straight days. In early days of the disease I would have made it out of the house to restock my supply. Having to carefully plan when I would be able to find an open liquor store. It’s tough in Ontario for an alcoholic on holidays like this. It takes a mental toll trying to plan when you will be able to ensure that you have enough booze to get through the day. In later days I would be making excuses to get out of the house to hunt down one of those small convenience stores that have a license to sell booze. These stores will bring out the truly sick people on a daily basis. The seem to have a little bit of wiggle room in how they operate. I can remember getting to the store before they were able to actually sell me booze. It was pure hell. I just wanted to be home in the basement with my bottle and not have to worry about the next one.

fml

The overwhelming feeling that I have been having lately is that I am really frustrated with my life. How do I go about getting over the fact that I pretty hate my life. I keep telling myself that I have to remain grateful and that I have so much to be thankful for. It’s true, I do have so much to be grateful for. I am blessed that I got into recovery as early as I did, that I can still have a good life. If I can only figure out what that means for me. I just don’t know what I want, I have always felt that I am more or less just along for the ride and that life is just sort of happening around me. I am not an active participant, perhaps that what leads me to feel so isolated and alone.

white knuckles

I have barely survived another emotional relapse. I have been feeling super shitty lately. I was letting my emotions and my disease get the better of me. I did not do any of the do things that are suggested as a program of recover. I crying to myself wondering what is wrong with me? Why won’t this stuff sink in for me? I got sober so that I wouldn’t die and that I could be happy and have a better life. Well, I am not happy! WTF?

I was so close to relapse this time that I was scared shitless. And the stupid part is that I was white knuckling it through this. I didn’t call anyone, as I genuinely have a hard time believing that anyone truly gives a shit about me. When someone does seem to, I feel completely unworthy of it. I have friends that I am constantly wondering why is this person in my life? Don’t they know how worthless and shitty I am? Can’t they see the same things that I do?

This negative self talk is going to get me killed eventually.

relapse

I am the driver of the struggle bus right now. I have been feeling restless, irritable and discontent for a while now but lately it has elevated to a new level. For the first time in almost two and half years I felt the strong pull to step foot into either a bar or the liquor store. My emotions have been in control for a few days now and my disease is telling me that the only way to get some relief is to have a few drinks to take the edge off. This was the way I used to get through these tumultuous days. I could hide out and avoid people and just wallow in my misery. I am feeling very lost and don’t know what to do about it. Thankfully I did not ride the truck all the way to the dump this time. I didn’t actually get as far as actually drinking, but holy fuck I wanted it so bad. I made it to a meeting and I am reminded of what I am doing there. Step 1 again, always a fresh reminder of how bad it can get.

So here I am with dealing with changes and not having had a check in with my spiritual condition. I haven’t been doing the do things and this might be part of my problem. I don’t think I have meditated or prayed honestly in a while. If I don’t get this out and open up to someone soon I am lost. I am sure of that.