long weekends

This has been a pretty enjoyable long weekend so far.  I remember a few years ago that it would have been enjoyable because I would have been drunk for 3 days straight.  Either I would have planned to attend a get together with friends to party or I would have just isolated for 3 days.  Either way it would have been primarily about the drinking.  This wasn’t always the case, this was only really the last 2 years of my drinking.  I mean I was somewhat normal in that I would think of the weekend as an excuse to party, but it in the last years of my drinking it was about not being around people.  I remember there was a certain amount of anxiety around making sure that I had enough booze to last the weekend.  But the problem was that I had that obsession that once the booze was in my system I would just keep going.  I would turn a 3 day supply of alcohol into a 24 hour binge.  Then I would have to go and resupply the next day.  I would have rotate between the different LCBOs in the area. (You know because I really didn’t want someone to think I was an alcoholic)  This cycle would likely repeat the following day.  Then on the actual holiday I would have to hunt down one of those local convenience stores that has a small LCBO franchise in it.  At the end of my drinking there was no such thing as “rationing” or moderate consumption.  I would open a bottle and finish it.

I used to hate standing in those long lines in the liquor store on the long weekends.  It would seem like hours in there just to pick up a bottle of vodka and some beer.  But I did it no problem.  There was no line long enough to get me out of that store.  It is kind of funny now because there is almost NOTHING that I would stand in a super long line for.  If I saw a line as long as some of the ones that I stood in to get booze in the past; I will 99% of the time turn around and leave.  Just NOPE the hell out of there.  My time is too valuable….just kidding I’m just not patient for a lot of things.

Anyway, I’ve been busy in a very nice and productive way.  We went and saw a movie, went out for dinner and today I got a whole bunch of errands done.  So next week should be pretty stress free in the food department.  I marvel at how much I can accomplish in a day without the obsession and anxiety surrounding addiction.  My mind is free to accomplish so much more when it is not obsessed with is there enough booze and if not where can I stock up.

reactions

via Daily Prompt: Premature

Premature reactions to situations beyond my control.  When I thought about what this words means to me it occurred to me that it really defines how I deal with life.  I am always reacting to things before I have enough information or evidence to confirm that I even need to bother reacting.  I think that a lot of my anxiety could reside under that umbrella.  I have always had a sense that most situations are going to end up resulting in pain of some variety.  I don’t even stop to consider that perhaps the event or situation could be a profoundly positive thing.  Or sometimes I react before considering how it will impact those in my life.  When I think back to CBT education it reminds me to pause and consider the evidence before reacting.  I should always pause before reacting.  An example of this happened a couple of nights ago.  I was at the gym, which is a bit of a sanctuary for me, I was just wrapping up my run and stretching and I saw some of my friends all socializing with each other and enjoying some Starbucks.  My heart told me that they did not want me there, that I would be intruding and that I was not good enough to be there with them.  I say my heart, because later on when I examined the evidence I realized very quickly that I was not reacting properly.  That I just let myself get worked up needlessly over some people that were socializing together….as we usually do every day.  Why I felt that way I have no idea.  But if I had remembered to pause and examine the evidence I would not have felt like such a dolt..

Once again I have to remind myself that I am a work in progress.  Every small step forward is still a step in the right direction.

happy, joyous and free

This is a motto of the program and the promise is that if you follow the program and do the “do” things then this is going to be your life.  I’m none of these things at the moment.  I am unsure if it’s because I am spending too much time in my head, or too much time listening to my heart.  It’s probably more that my heart is trying to tell me something and I am allowing my brain to misinterpret the message.  They tell me that I have to examine the evidence and process my emotions rationally and without allowing them to control me.  I’m convinced that “they” have never actually tried to do this.

Lately I feel like my heart is beating out of my chest and it’s usually centered around my home life.  I don’t know what to do about this but I know it isn’t good.  My problem is that I have no one to really talk to about this part of my life.  I don’t know anyone who has gone through something similar.  I have lots of friends in the program to reach out to if the issue was that I needed to know how to stay sober in while going through this.  But I don’t currently feel like that is a concern.  I am not worried about allowing myself to slide into that abyss.  It’s more a worry that I am never going to be happy.  I have removed one my tools that I used to use to cope with this feeling.  Now I am really feeling the true weight of this.  Where do I go from here?

update

i made it through mother’s day.  It was tough, but I used this blog and talking with a friend to get through it.  She very kindly reminded me that I should take into consideration how others are feeling.  I was so wrapped up in how I was feeling that I neglected to take Mare’s feelings into account about the day.  She was upset, which is understandable, she hates the day given that her mom is no longer with us.  I let my anxiety and my stinking thinking get the better of me and lead me the down the panic path.  I hate that feeling.  I actually found myself thinking about how much easier it was at times to just stay numb and not have to really let the feelings reach the surface.  Don’t get me wrong I was not in relapse mode, but I was remembering fondly how much easier it was to deal with my family when I was drinking.

I suppose there is something to be said about how I am more cognitive of my feelings now.  I can recognize when I am feeling like this and not just switch to react mode.  I actually took a lot of time and thought about what was going on.  Thankfully Ash responded to text messages and gave me exactly what I needed to hear at the exact time I needed to hear it.  If I wasn’t in the place I am now I wouldn’t have even been open to the idea.  I would have just stayed in my head and been pissed off and upset for the whole day.  I should probably have called my sponsor about it, but he has his own stuff going on with his mother that I hate to be a burden with.  I’ll have to ask him about that.

I don’t when the next time I have to see family is.  Probably father’s day I guess.  Who makes up these fucking holidays?  fuck those guys….

mother

Fuck today.  I am not doing well today.  My anxiety is pretty high about having to go and spend time with family.  This is something that really bothers me.  I should be exited to see family, not losing my shit in a coffee shop.  I can’t get out of my head.  To top things off my wife will not talk to me about how she is feeling.  A friend reminded me that she has a ton going on in her own head.  She is probably feeling a lot of pain today.  I’m feeling suddenly super selfish that I am mad at her for treating me this way today.  I have to try to not take this personally.  I can only work on keeping my side of the street clean and that means being there for both my family and her.  If she chooses to isolate and avoid me then I guess that’s how it’s going to be.

I think it might be time to look into some outside help for why i have such issues surrounding my parents.  I have always assumed that I only had problems in relation to dealing with my father.  But my mother is a massive trigger for me.  Being drunk used to make dealing with her lunacy much easier.   Now I have to try to use new coping mechanisms.  Life is hard ……

rapids

via Daily Prompt: Rapid

I grew up in the Ottawa Valley in Petawawa, ON.  It is a beautiful area of this province and I have a lot of fond memories of the place.  When I was in early recovery I was asked to think about the “Serenity” and what it meant to me.  We had to draw a picture to represent how we felt about the word and where or what would allow us to enter a state of serenity.  For me one of the most serene places has always been down by the Ottawa or Petawawa rivers.  I used to love the sensation of the water flowing over me as I lay in the rapids.  I have never found anything quite as good at drowning out the squirrels in my head.  For a few moments I am at peace and calm.  I miss those rapids.

 

 

pierced

I used to have pierced ears.  I never actually got them pierced by a professional; rather I either did the piercing myself or I had a friend do it.  The very first time was when I was about 15 or 16 at home.  I was hanging out with my friend Jimmy and mentioned that I would like to pierce my ear the same way he did.  He took out the stud from his ear and said we could do it right now.  Without hesitating I said “sure, let’s do it!”  Jimmy grabbed a bar of soap and he took the stud and dipped the end into the bar of Irish Spring; there we go it’s now sterilized (bullshit!).  He grabs onto my earlobe and proceeds to try to push the stud through the meaty part of it.  It hurts like crazy but he keeps squeezing and pressing.  Finally after what felt like an hour I feel this pop as he jams the stud through.  He puts the backing onto the stud and I go to check it out in the mirror; I am in shock but I love it.  In my head I feel like the coolest guy alive.

I don’t remember what we got up to for the rest of the night but when I woke up the next morning my ear felt like it was on fire.  I went to go get some ice for and my Mom intercepted me in the kitchen.  She freaked out because “APPARENTLY” you shouldn’t do something like let your buddy pierce your ear in the living room with only a bar of soap and the earring/stud as your tools.  She took one look at the piercing and told me to take it out.  There was no way this was going to happen; not after the pain I went through to get the damn thing.  She let it be known that I was now dealing with a mild infection in the old ear lobe.  Far from ideal, but that explains the burning sensation.  My Mom is a nurse so I have zero reason to doubt her when it comes to medical issues.  So I submitted to the in kitchen examination and then Mom administered first aid.  Of which she was far from gentle with.  (I’m pretty sure that was intentional)

When I told Mare this story this weekend she was nowhere near as impressed as I was in my recollection.  I was laughing so hard I was in tears as we were driving home.  I think the funniest part is the shear stupidity of the decision and the fact that I think the best part was my Mom’s reaction to the whole thing.  I suppose my sense of humour is not my strong suit.  lol……