I am feeling very accomplished to day.  I have been doing pretty well with the half marathon training.  I managed to get through 13km yesterday.  It felt really bad at the time, but then I looked at the distance and the time and I feel really good about it.  I then managed to get ready and go with Ashley to get a tattoo done.  I am in love with it.  Omri did such a great job with the design and execution of it that I can’t say enough good things about this shop.  This was such a beautiful day.

So we went to see a counselor this week.  The idea behind this was to try to help our marriage.  Our relationship is not good.  Not that we get into fights, but we don’t ever talk and we have absolutely no intimacy.  Which is a problem for both of us.  Mare tends to get upset about things and then bottles stuff up until she gets so upset and resentful that we explode into a big fight.  But this seems to be like once a year or so.  If that….

We had a big fight about her having alcohol in the house after she got back from Niagra-On-The-Lake.  this fight lead to her asking to go to counseling again.  This time I am sober and honest.  Last time it was not good.  I was not honest about what was going on with me.  This time I hope it makes a difference.  The lady gave us a bunch of homework and I have to get moving on it to see if this makes a difference.  Who knows, at the end of all of this if it’s not going to work out, I just want Mary Anne to be OK.  If that means that we have to separate and move on, then that is just how it’s going to have to be.

This weekend Mare is gone on her annual winery tour weekend.  She goes down to Niagra-On-The-Lake for 2 nights and stays with about 10 ladies.  They rent bikes and travel around to a bunch of wineries.  This is one of those weekends that I used to look forward too because I could be alone for a while and I wouldn’t have to hide my drinking.  I am usually OK for the first night but then the committee of idiots in my head start to get rambunctious and I get the stinking thinking going.  Yesterday I started to romanticize the drink.  I started thinking about how it was better back when I could control my drinking.  And of course it was, fuck, back then as long as I had a bottle of vodka I was content.  Or at least I was content until the hangover and remorse kicked in.  I hear lots of people in the rooms talk about how they are glad that they are alcoholic, because it got them into the rooms and recovery and how much better their lives are now.  “Are they fucking nuts?”  I get the part about how my life is better now, but I am certainly not grateful that I am an alcoholic.  Fuck that noise!  Sometimes I am right pissed off at this whole situation.  But I have accepted it.  I am not yet at peace with it, but I have accepted it.

Perhaps I am just in a position where I feel like a lot of stuff is about to come boiling up to the surface.  Mare has arranged for us to go see a therapist on Monday.  I wonder what she is going to say and what I am going to have to react too.  Maybe some stuff is going to come out that we should have dealt with a long time ago.  Like the kids issue.  She still wants them, and I don’t know where I am with this idea.  I’ve had a few days lately where I think it would be great and then I look at my life and wonder how the hell I would manage this responsibility?

Well, fuck it, I am off to yoga.  I am capable, worthwhile and loveable…….

Well, I am freaking out a little bit.  Not because of life or my marriage, or my sobriety, or anything really serious…..well to me it’s serious.  I signed up to run a half marathon.  I don’t even know what I was thinking.  I used to run a lot about 10 years ago.  I have obviously not been running much in the last 5.  I have been going to the gym for a little over a year now and I love it.  In the back of my mind was a goal to get back to running.  EVENTUALLY!  I have been dealing with that broken foot issue and I have been forced to hold off on that goal for quite a while now.  But in the last month or two it’s been feeling pretty good.  I have been running on the treadmill on and off without much pain.  But I think it’s a far cry from doing this damn 21km run.  I can manage 5km on the treadmill (dreadmill), how the fuck am I going to ramp that up to 21km?  Sheesh….am I ever going to learn?  I never make things easy on myself.  I guess I will try to keep posting about my progress.