i’m sad today, very sad.  I have been lucky through most of my life to not have experienced much loss in the way of death.  But in the last couple of weeks I’ve now lost two friends from the rooms.  One was a guy named Len who had long term sobriety and whom I looked up to.  He seemed to love the program and the people in it.  He was always one of the first people to greet a new comer and to stick his hand out for everyone.  He will be greatly missed.

the second part of this is more concerning to me personally.  When I was in Renascent I bonded with a guy named Colin.  He was a funny little Irishman (like actually born in raised in Cork, Ireland) and was in treatment for a drinking problem the same as me.  He was an anxiety sufferer and we bonded over that.  We had a lot of the same afflictions and it seemed like we became very fast and good friends.  When I was about 2 weeks into this journey there was a guy named Greg who tried to kill himself by leaping from the third floor of the centre where we were living.  I was the last person to see him just before he jumped.  I really struggled with this as I felt like I should have been able to do something to stop him, or to save him from this.  He did not die, but I felt a huge amount of guilt over not doing something.  The counsellors sat with me that evening and Colin stayed with me.  He wouldn’t leave my side that night and I never forgot that.  We were very close in there and when I left and kept going out and having his life fall apart I tried to save him.  I took him to meetings and I called him, and I tried to be a supportive friend.  Eventually I had to distance myself from him because he just couldn’t keep it together long enough to get any time in the program.  The last time I saw him he was almost taunting me about being sober.  He was making jokes about how he “was not a binge drinker anymore, and was now OK”, that he was better than me.  He had a nice place to live in Toronto, had a nice car and made a lot of money in his profession.  But none of that matters now, because eventually his disease caught up to him and he began having seizures.  He passed away two days ago and I found out last night.  I feel terrible that I couldn’t reach out to him, that it was so sudden.  I always figured that I would hear from again when he was ready to get help for real.  But sadly he is no longer with us.

Colin, I hope you are finally able to rest and I pray that your family is coping with this loss.

I am writing this while sitting in a resort in Walt Disney World. Travel in recovery has been both a blessing and a challenge. I flew down to Orlando yesterday by myself and I found myself pretty stressed out about the airport. So much so that I dropped a significant chunk of coin on an upgrade on my flight so that I didn’t have to sit next to strangers or stand in super long security lines. Not my finest moment for sure as that was an impulse decision because I wanted to avoid stress and perhaps a small portion of my ego wanted to feel special for the day. If one of my strengths was impulse control I probably would not be writing this blog at all. While on the plane in first class I had a brief moment of “I can have just one glass of wine…..” wooooooh!! Give your head a shake dude! Where did that come from? I think sometimes when I come down here I think back to all the good times I had down here and wish that I could still take part in the “fun” drinking part of vacationing. I had a lot of fun down here when I was drinking, like A LOT of fun. This place was always a vacation away from my problems and the drinking was purely for fun. I was drinking to not feel or to keep the anxiety away. I was just having fun. At least for the most part. As I progressed along the addiction spectrum I was certainly hiding bottles in my luggage and buying small bottles to hide in the room. There were even times where I isolated while on vacation. But not all the time. I used to think that if I could drink at home like I did on vacation that I would be just fine. When I would get home and try that, it would work. For a few days. Then I would slide right back into the compulsion to consume just as bad as before. cunning, baffling, and powerful….

It’s so nice to be down here and just be present. I love WDW, I love the rides and the resorts and the food. I love going for a swim and a hot tub. I love hanging out with our friends from down here. And I get to do all of that without the obsession to locate the next drink or the next 10 after that. What a miracle. I will try to keep writing more about being down here if I get time. I know famous last words. But I should get moving…..

I haven’t been on here to do any writing in a very long time.  I feel like I’ve said that before!?  I have started a new job and it has been extremely difficult to maintain any sort of routine.  I used to have my day planned well in advance and it was really working for me.  Lately however, I have can’t predict how my day is going to go.  There are many days I don’t even get a chance to eat lunch, never mind do anything focused on my recovery.  Now this isn’t me saying that I have the overwhelming urge to go out and get drunk, but it’s the thought has certainly crossed my mind.  I really have to get focused on making my recovery contact every single day.  No excuses, this is life and death for me.   I will never be able to live life on life’s terms if I can’t keep my recovery in the forefront of all of my efforts.  I can’t rely on yesterday’s recovery to keep me sober and happy today.

I have this friend that I speak to almost every day, and I haven’t been 100% honest with her about myself.  We have bonded over the in and outs of each others lives, and how we both suffer from the mental affliction of an anxiety disorder.  I’ve never fully revealed to her about me being in recovery from my addiction.  She is aware that I don’t drink and has asked me about it a few times, but I have never told her the truth about it.  I have an amends to make there.  I think I feel the need to be honest with her and share my experience is because she has opened up to me about a few things and it pains me to think that I haven’t been the same.  I have only shared bits and pieces of my story.

I’m alone this week and for the most part I’ve been OK, but this evening has been a bit of a struggle.  I am feeling very restless, irritable and discontent.  Which is dangerous for me.  I found myself a few moments ago looking at one of my old hiding spots to see if I had left a bottle there.  I would like to believe that my spiritual program is enough to keep  me from taking that drink.  But I am angered that I even entertained the idea.

so yesterday I left my office and desk at a position that I have been in for well over 15 years for the last time.  I am starting a new challenging position on Monday.  It’s still in the same field and organization but it’s totally different from anything I have ever done before.  I have had other opportunities in the past but my anxiety would never let me step out of my comfort zone.  We’re in uncharted territory for this kid.  In the past I would have let my anxiety get the better of me.  I would not be able to sleep or eat and simple things in life would seem to be overly important and complicated.  This time however, I am excited!  I am really looking forward to Monday morning and this opportunity.  It will be nice to be in a position that feels important and that has a local manager.  To be able to accomplish something meaningful will be such a refreshing change of pace.