Yesterday was pretty good, I had a pretty decent training run and some hang out time.  After some down time at home I spontaneously decided to go Barrie and get a walk in.  We walked for about 30 mins and then hit up the frozen yogurt place downtown.  It was nice and we even went a few hours without any passive aggressive comments or hurt feelings.  We talked a bit about the counselling, we kind of both laugh about how the counselor’s reactions to us owning some of our defects.  Again, I don’t know how this is all going to work out, but it was nice to just exist in the moment.

I am trying to process yesterday.  Aside from the obvious, something is very wrong.  I am having a hard time putting it into words.  I did not share this at a meeting yesterday because I don’t know what to say about it.  I have been feeling like Mare attacks me over little things lately.  I know that I have no power to change how she is feeling, but I hate it when she gives me shit over little things.  It feels like she is trying to drive a wedge in between us.  She has since apologized for yesterday, she says that when she feels bad about herself or is upset I end up taking the brunt of it all.  I have a hard time understanding this, because I would never lash out at her when I am down.  I won’t do that to someone I care about.

I feel like lately there is something emotionally that I can’t quite get to the surface.  I can’t put it into words, but I know it’s there.  I can feel it all the time.  Something is very wrong and it’s going to fucking explode.  I am a little worried about it, and I know that I need to talk to Keith about it soon, or I need to get it out at a meeting.  But I can’t quite put my finger on it yet.  It has been there for a while now, and on days like yesterday it starts to feel like I am going to lose it.

My brother reached out yesterday, he has been talking with my parents and they want to go out for Thanksgiving dinner somewhere.  I want to tell them all to fuck off.  I have zero interest in seeing my parents.  I haven’t cut them completely off but I hate dealing with their dysfunction lately.  I did enough of that as a kid, and even as a young adult.  I had to help hold the pieces together for my mother when they got divorced, now I have to sit by and watch as they socialize with us.  The whole time I am aware that my father is putting on an act for her so that he try to get back into her good books.  He wants someone to talk to and to look after him.  And she complains to me about this shit.  When I tell she has no obligation to talk to him after everything he has done.  She tells me that I don’t understand, that they were married a long time, that she feels bad for his situation.  This is where I want to scream, then don’t fucking complain to me about this.

Maybe I need to boycott every fucking holiday.  I don’t have any interest in Christmas, or Thanksgiving.  I LOVED being gone over Christmas last year.  I briefly entertained having everyone over for turkey dinner.  But I quickly squashed that idea.  I don’t need to put myself through that just to eat some thanksgiving chicken.  I haven’t thought about this in a long time, but I want to get drunk every single time that I have to spend time with my parents.  It used to make it tolerable to numb my feelings before seeing them.  Or Pat and I would be drinking beers during the whole family event.  I now see that as a huge trigger and I have even less desire to be there.

I have started reading a little of the ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) literature.  One of the books that I got is a Daily Affirmations type book called Strengthening My Recovery.  The passage today really resonated with me:

“We know we can be gentle with ourselves, that some of the work will become a habit after time, and that some of the work will have a different feel at different stages of our recovery.  We practice patience and tolerance with ourselves, and softly allow the spiritual experience to flow naturally and easily.”

Wow.

Once again I have let her mood affect me.  She has been very off for a few days now.  I am trying to give her space to work it out, but the care taking side of me wants to try to fix things.  I know that I cannot do anything to change how she is reacting to life, I can’t change how she feels.  Where I am struggling is that I am just getting exhausted by this.  I am pretty much daily thinking about how much easier my life would be if I could jsut have my own place.  A space I get to set up and it’s just mine.  I could do what i want, I would not have to be beholden to anyone’s whims or wishes.  The tiring part is just pretending like everything is ok.  That we can get through this.  The counselling thing is making a tiny bit of progress.  But is it enough?  I have my doubts.