Setbacks

I’m feeling a little low lately.  I’ve been going to the gym a lot as part of my recovery.  It’s become part of my daily life and I really enjoy it.  After we went to Chicago a few weeks ago I noticed a significant amount of pain in my right foot.  I didn’t put too much stock into it as I have hurt my feet many times, but it has not improved over time.  I’ve tried active rest with it and have stopped doing pretty much all cardio now, but it’s still not improving.  I went to see my doctor on Wednesday last week and she sent me to get an x-ray and set up a visit with nuclear medicine to do a bone scan.  She thought that it’s a stress fracture and an x-ray would show nothing.  She set up the bone scan appointment to be safe.  Well, I got a call on Friday morning that said they were cancelling the bone scan because they got all the answers needed from the x-ray.  DOH!  That’s not sounding good, apparently, I have to go in tomorrow for an appointment to talk about the x-ray results.  My mind is racing with all the possibilities of what could be wrong with the funny looking thing attached to the stick coming out the bottom of my torso.  Am I going to end up in a cast, or a walking boot, or is it super bad and needs surgery?  Maybe they will amputate?  These are the kinds of thoughts that used to drive me crazy.  I am doing my best to work on accepting that I can’t control or change this situation.  I have to realise that I am doing the right thing in going to get medical attention for it and I have to trust that they will know and do what’s best here.  This is a major character defect for me.  I am not very good at letting go of control of situations and not knowing what the outcome will be.

I got some really sad news today.  My friend’s mother-in-law passed away on Sunday.  She had been sick for quite a while.  I’m sad for my friend and his wife and their loss and it brings me back to a time in my life that I have a lot of regret about.  I went through the same thing a few years ago when my own mother-in-law passed away suddenly.  I did not handle it very well at all.  I was self-centred and instead of being there for my wife and her family I retreated into the bottle.  I let her go down to Florida to help her Dad with things and I stayed here and drank myself sick. At the time I remember being very busy helping with preparations and getting things sort of ready for the funeral.  But in reality, I was drunk most of the time and I was not present and emotionally supportive to Mare.  I have huge regrets about that.  I have a lot of amends to make about that and I have no clue how to do it.  She doesn’t trust me to this day because of it.  It’s a terrible thing this addiction and it’s so frustrating to think about it.  But I should remember that I can’t change it, it’s in the past and there is nothing to do but move on and be the best version of myself.

This is my life and it’s pretty good.

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