Well fuck me sideways, this day has been a complete fucking pile of rubbish.  I woke up feeling good and decided to head into town for my District 8 meeting in Barrie.  Now, Mare and I have not really spoken too much after yesterday’s blow up.  Then I am sitting in the meeting and I start getting messages from her about doing our meal prep.  She then states that “I am going to get some wine”.  Now this is a normal thing to say for some people and in many households.  However, I have not had to deal with alcohol in my house in almost 2 years.  I immediately went into the dark and anxious part of my mind.  How dare she, what is she thinking?  We haven’t even talked about this yet.  That sort of thing…..which may seem irrational.  But this has been a safe place for me for the last 2 years.  There is only ONE place in my life that I can control what is happening around me.  She tells me that she feels like she has to walk on egg shells around me, that she doesn’t feel normal in her own house.

My problem with this situation is that I have been feeling very, very low lately.  I have found myself fantasising about the drink.  I am scared about it a little because I know that this is the first step towards relapse.  It’s almost as if I am planning a relapse.  This is not a matter of will power.  I know that will power has no place in this.  I know that if I take that first one I might as well just off myself.  Because it will be an ugly situation for me.  I am constantly wrestling with my mind that tells me, “you have the ability to have just one, and you can stop, and no one need ever know about it”.  I have that disease of the mind that is telling me that I don’t have the disease.  This has been going on for a few months now.

Now throw in this situation with her wanting to drink wine in the house or on the patio.  She doesn’t seem to think it’s a big deal.  But my problem is that she didn’t think once to talk to me about it.  She just sent me this flippant text message stating that she was doing the one thing that I have asked not be done in the house.  On top of that she thinks I am calling her selfish when I state that she doesn’t seem to care that I am asking for this to be a safe place.  She thinks that I should be over this fear by now.  And she says that she doesn’t trust me enough to talk to me about stuff like this.  But if she had, I would have compromised and said, “how about I take you out for dinner and a glass of wine.”  I just don’t feel ready to have that in the house.

This of course led to her talking about how she has always wanted to have kids, and that her biggest regret is that she hasn’t done that.  (once again, this apparently is my fault, even though this is the first time she has said it me directly….also I am not sure how we got onto this topic)  She says she wants to go back to counseling….she never really went in the first place.  She left it up to me and I have no real desire to go back to that sort of thing.  It’s fucking expensive and we certainly don’t have the money for this right now.  She has racked up her credit card to 21, 000 again.  How in the fuck am I supposed to live like this…..

So the Burgers with Bill 2 BBQ was a really great afternoon.  I had enough people show up to make it worthwhile.  Lot’s of great fellowship and sobriety there.  It was successful enough that I had people asking me already about doing another one.  Which is a great idea, given that I now have help to get this even off the ground.  Last year it was just me and I stressed myself out enough that I had second thoughts about this one.  This time though I had friends offering to help with bring food and cooking, which made things much easier.

When I left the event to head home I started to get these really crazy messages from Mare.  She sent me a screen capture of some person’s post on Facebook, it was a post about having a room for rent in Wasaga Beach.  The post was up in a group called Angus/Borden buy and sell.  It’s a basically a yard sale group and I browse it frequently.  Actually I would say I browse it more than I actually interact with people on Facebook.  Anyway, apparently in my browsing of this group I accidently responded to the room rental post with “Interested”.  I defenitly did not intend to post that.  I was not actively looking for a room to rent.  It was a honest accident.  When I got home she was really upset, and crying and I tried to explain it.  But she wasn’t listening to me.  She still doesn’t believe anything I say or trust me.  I tried to tell her I was not actually posting it to seek a place to live and I wasn’t looking to move out.  But this brought up another resentment of mine.  I remember when she was looking into selling the house while I was still drinking.  She was talking to a real estate agent behind my back.  I am still pissed off about that.  But she doesn’t believe that she did anything wrong.

It’s been a day full of really great highs and angry bitter lows.  I am frustrated that she shut down and won’t talk about it now.  She doesn’t want to deal with it.  I am really starting to think that I should just rip the fucking band aid off and tell her that this shit is not working, that we need to try something else.

Tomorrow is a big day, I am responsible for a a sober bbq that is going to be happening down on the water front in Barrie.  I have invited a bunch of people from the rooms and even some friends from my treatment center.  I did the same thing last year and it was beautiful.  We should be getting some beautiful weather and hopefully we get a nice turn out.  I do my best not to complicate things with this event.  I tend to over think things and it gets in my way when it comes to keeping things simple.  People always want to know what to bring to these things and I have a hard time asking people to bring anything.  I feel guilty, as if it’s my job to bring everything because it’s my idea and I’m organizing it.  But I need to get out of the way and realize that people want to come and people want to bring things to help contribute to the day.  I am really looking forward to it though.  I hope some of my friends show up.

Just wondering when things around here started to change.  When did Mare and I stop communicating?  When did the wedge of animosity get driven in between us?  It seems like we live two separate lives and we sort of spend a few minutes playing catch-up at the end of the day.  Not even because we care all that much, just out of some form of marital obligation maybe?  It feels so weird to sit at a table and ask how her day was and then to get a “it was OK” type of statement from her.  It’s similar to sitting with a teenager and asking them how school was today.  She doesn’t really want to share, just has to be polite I suppose.  I don’t know how much longer this can carry on.  When am I going to lose it and figure out how to make my self feel better.