Lately I feel like I have been focusing on everyone but myself.  What is worrisome about that is it’s a form of relapse for me.  That’s my old care taking and co-dependent behavior.  I’ve met a few new comers to the program and have an acquaintance from another group that are really struggling and I have been mentally focused on what they are doing rather than what I am doing.  I suppose that the miracle is that I have been able to recognize this in myself and am able to try to move past it.  I have no control over what these people do, if they want to go out again I can only be welcoming when they come back and not pass judgement.  I have a hard time letting go and allowing other people to grow on their own.  Baby steps I suppose…

 

so I have made it through the first day.  I remark on this only because I have traditionally done very poorly when I am on my own for long periods of time.  I tend to fall apart after the first 24 hours.  These types of weekends used to be full of junk food and lots of sitting on my ass doing absolutely nothing…..except drinking like it was my job.  I would start as soon as I got off work and drink until well into the morning hours.  Then I would try to get a few hours of sleep followed by:

1. wake up feeling god awful shitty
2. tell myself I am going to get downstairs and make an awesome breakfast
3. forget about breakfast….eat whatever was left over in the fridge from the previous night, which could be pizza, burgers, bags of chips…
4. drink coffee…..or a beer and a few shots of vodka
5. take stock of the alcohol supply…..determine exactly what time I need to be out the door to get to the LCBO
6. top up the alcohol supply
7. head to the basement after a shower and some more junk food
8. proceed to drink to stop the shaking and sweating….
9. open the window to the basement to let fresh air in….even if it’s -30C
10. watch really stupid televisions shows or youtube videos….or both
11. tell myself that I am only going to drink a few more of this bottle then go to bed
12. head to bed in wee hours of the morning

• repeat

I’m not doing ANY of that this weekend.  (well maybe some of the junk food).  I am going to Kitchener tomorrow for an AA conference type thing.  I’m excited for it.  I am not that much different from what I used to be, but my desire to consume alcohol has evaporated.  I’m going to wake up and work on my next 24hrs of recovery.  I am going to re-write the 12 things that I would normally do on a weekend to be recovery items. (see what I did there?)

So today is the day I have been dreading for a while now.  My wife left for her trip to Orlando.  We have gone at this time of year for a long time because it’s the food and wine festival in Epcot.  I don’t even mind attending this festival while being in recovery.  I have no desire to drink, but the food and atmosphere is a lot of fun.  This year however my foot is causing me all sorts of problems.  It is still not healed and I am therefore forced to miss out.  I am really struggling with this issue, we have a DVC membership and I love when we get to use this for our stays in WDW.  I had been looking forward to some down time and being away from work and home for a bit of a break.  Also it’s really nice to visit with our friends down there.  Mare has a friend from Scotland flying in to spend the week with her.  She has been really excited and looking forward to this.  I have a hard time explaining what is bothering me but it seems like she was more excited to go down there with her friend that with me.  I feel like she wasn’t upset at all that I wasn’t going.  I have expressed this to her and she told me that she feels guilty about it but I don’t know if that’s because I am upset, or because she would rather I was going.  I have a very packed schedule while she is away so I am not worried about getting to caught up in my own head.  I have the general assembly coming up in Kitchener and I am looking forward to that.  But I would much rather be sitting by the pool with a nice cold diet coke…..

Last night I went to a beginners group meeting in Barrie.  I have been going to this group for over a year now, it was one of the ones that I discovered and enjoy after my stay at Renascent as it’s a small group and it’s all about the new comer.  There was a guy in attendance who I have met a few times in the rooms there and he was coming in after getting released from the hospital only a few hours prior.  He shared that he woke up in the hospital shackled to the bed.  He had been drinking and in a black out for many days.  He told us that he doesn’t remember getting there and he doesn’t remember a lot of what went on in his most recent nightmare.  What a sobering experience, this guy had just celebrated his 6 year mark and he seemed to be deeply involved in the program.  This is very shocking and sad to hear, but I am so glad that he came back and shared his story.  If nothing else it’s a great lesson for those of us that have been in for a little while and feel like we have the program under control.  No one can turn their back on this disease.  No one can let up on working their program.  It’s deadly serious!